English GCSE Coursework (short story)

[DJ-Ains.T]

Hey, ok. I'm doing a short story for my english gcse coursework.

The plot is, this girl goes into court to give evidence against a guy that raped her.

DON'T COPY ANY OF IT, IT'S PLAGERISMZZZZZZZZZZZZ. ok anyway, any help will be happily accepted.

A towering lady abruptly enters the room. Light fills the room. It was, after being sat here for over half an hour, quite an adjustment. She doesn’t smile, and neither do I. I know why she’s here, and I start to stand up, slowly forcing my chair to move out, away from the table.
“They’re ready for you” she says coldly.

I take a deep breath in and try to prepare myself for what is about to happen, what a waste of time that was. My legs start shaking, uncontrollably. Thoughts fly through my mind. I’m going to mess this up, I’m going to break down, and I’m going to get punished if they think I’m lying. I feel totally vulnerable. Then I come out of my daydream, and remember why I was here. Be strong they told me. Be strong?! How can I be strong in a situation like this? I come out of what seems another daydream. The woman walks over to me and gives me a sympathetic look, but I know she doesn’t mean it. She probably does this day in, day out. She’s too informal. I look up at her and give a false smile, but I really just want to scream at her and tell her to get out my life. I just want to get away, and stay away from this life, of what seems hell. Back to reality, I really need to stop side tracking with these thoughts. Concentrate and be strong. Yeah, right. Go in and say what you have to say and that’s it, everything should be fine.

“Through that door, turn left.” The women said uneasily. “Room seven” she continued after pausing. I look up at her; seriously I want to smack her! I know that she doesn’t care about me, so why should I care about her? I walk over to the door, take a hold of the cold handle, twist, pull and walk through the door. I start welling up, water fills my eyes. God sake, my mascara is just bound to run.
I use my hands and brush my cardigan, making sure it has no creases. I wipe the tears away from my eyes, being careful not to rub my mascara. Out of the corner of my eyes, I’m looking at the room numbers, and I guess that room number seven is ahead of me after seeing number six.



ITS NOT COMPLETE YET, THAT'S HALF OF IT!

[Andeeh]

half of it from the sheer amount of half suggests to me it wont be as great as it could be

[DJ-Ains.T]

i don't get you? "it wont be as great as it could be"? help me improve it then?

im making sure my first half is really good before i start on my second half. i will make sure my second half is as good as well, lol.

[dirrty]

don't worry, i doubt anyone will be copying that...

it just seems like you're listing things and it doesn't follow effectively imo.

[DJ-Ains.T]

constructive critism?! ******* hell.
give me tips then, *REMOVED*

Edited by Syko2006 (Forum Moderator) Please do not be rude to other members, thanks.

[dirrty]

constructive critism?! ******* hell.
give me tips then, *REMOVED*
excuse me?
listen. i don't (or anyone else for that matter) need to give you any tips on how you can improve you preposterous attempt on coursework. why don't you log off and attempt to use the few brain cells you have left and redraft your work, or even discuss your work with your teacher *SHOCK HORROR*

so as my sig says "you better check yo self before you wreck yo self" as it's quite evident that having common sense isn't your forte.

[Misawa]

You are listing the descriptions rather than linking them up, and you don't need to describe every little detail, it makes reading your piece like trudging through snow.

D-.

[ecstasy]

You are listing the descriptions rather than linking them up, and you don't need to describe every little detail, it makes reading your piece like trudging through snow.

D-.

Same as this.

At the moment its just like: I did this. Then I did this. I thought this. I did this. I wanted to do this. I did this.
It's more of a list of actions than a story

[Andeeh]

i don't get you? "it wont be as great as it could be"? help me improve it then?

im making sure my first half is really good before i start on my second half. i will make sure my second half is as good as well, lol.
As other people have said it doesnt seem to flow and its just a list of actions.

In my opinion it seems to short for a short story.

Also i wouldnt hurl abuse at someone trying to help you, if you cant take critiscism dont ask for peoples opinions.

[Misawa]

Judging by your abusive response to critical feedback, of which you asked for, I think your teacher better get a restraining order.

[Technologic]

This is just awful, disjointed and dull.

[Andeeh]

The only bit of advice i think i could say is maybe start again.

[Favourtism]

Judging by your abusive response to critical feedback, of which you asked for, I think your teacher better get a restraining order.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Edited by Syko2006 (Forum Moderator): Please do not post pointlessly, thanks. :)

[DJ-Ains.T]

Lol, ok. Thanks for your advice so far.

Bull **** to all the others who have just said "it needs to be redone".

Anyway, what I'm going to do is add more speech into the second half, and make it a conversation, so it flows.

Anyhow, if anyone of you could improve my sentace structure so far? Would be nice xx

[ecstasy]

We've told you what's wrong with it but don't expect us to do your coursework for you :rolleyes:

[Andeeh]

Lol, ok. Thanks for your advice so far.

Bull **** to all the others who have just said "it needs to be redone".

Anyway, what I'm going to do is add more speech into the second half, and make it a conversation, so it flows.

Anyhow, if anyone of you could improve my sentace structure so far? Would be nice xx


Look most people who have posted have done this piece before. I have and got a B for it which im happy about.

I just reccomended doing something new as it doesnt seem to great if i am honest.

[Misawa]

I got an A* so listenz.

[DJ-Ains.T]

Look most people who have posted have done this piece before. I have and got a B for it which im happy about.

I just reccomended doing something new as it doesnt seem to great if i am honest.

All my other pieces, I've been given an A. I want an A* for this, and I don't think all of a sudden, someone that tells me it's ****, that got a B as well, will make any difference.

I've seen my teacher today, and he explained that the story I've written seems that it is based on the girl and what she is thinking, and it's working.

Anyway, I'm going to make her go into court. She has been raped, and she stabbed the rapist. She is scared about getting sent down for stabbing the rapist, as well as the fact she thinks they could think she's lieing about rape.

I'll try and make more speech in this next bit, and it should flow more.

[luce]

Judging by your abusive response to critical feedback, of which you asked for, I think your teacher better get a restraining order.

haha

yeah it'a just a massive list a got really good marks on this piece and what i did was listed down all the language devices i needed to use for an A* and made sure i used every single one.

Your use of short sentences as the start goes on far too long so i just stopped reading because yes you build suspense but after a while it's just too hard to read and i just didn't bother to be fair.

Good theme but you went out about the wrong way :)! Also i wouldn't tell it in first person.

[kuzkasate]

Well overall I reckon its got a little too much in it.

Try cut down on the little details & try and make it seem more realistic. Maybe get the reader to sympathise more with the character.

Also the "I just wanted to smack her" part really ruined it for me.. maybe try and show the characters frustration in a different way rather than saying that?

Also I just sort of didn't really want to read on once I read the first paragraph because it just seemed as everything got mixed into something big which confused me. But I'm a fussy reader

Good luck ;)

[Andeeh]

All my other pieces, I've been given an A. I want an A* for this, and I don't think all of a sudden, someone that tells me it's ****, that got a B as well, will make any difference.

I've seen my teacher today, and he explained that the story I've written seems that it is based on the girl and what she is thinking, and it's working.

Anyway, I'm going to make her go into court. She has been raped, and she stabbed the rapist. She is scared about getting sent down for stabbing the rapist, as well as the fact she thinks they could think she's lieing about rape.

I'll try and make more speech in this next bit, and it should flow more.
Im happy with a B though, it was just a suggestion maybe going back to the drawing board don't need to bite my head off.

[Black_Apalachi]

Like don't stab me or whatever, but I don't think posting your coursework on the net was too bright. Just saying this because I did English Language A-Level but when I showed my story to my teacher, she actually refused to believe it was my own work. Basically if I'd posted mine here, I might have been ******. If any questions are asked about your work and then it's found on the internet (i.e. here), you might not be able to prove sufficiently that it was you who posted it which could get you into trouble.