English GCSE Coursework (short story)

[DJ-Ains.T]

Hey, ok. I'm doing a short story for my english gcse coursework.

The plot is, this girl goes into court to give evidence against a guy that raped her.

DON'T COPY ANY OF IT, IT'S PLAGERISMZZZZZZZZZZZZ. ok anyway, any help will be happily accepted.

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A towering lady abruptly enters the room. Light fills the room. It was, after being sat here for over half an hour, quite an adjustment. She doesn’t smile, and neither do I. I know why she’s here, and I start to stand up, slowly forcing my chair to move out, away from the table.
“They’re ready for you” she says coldly.

I take a deep breath in and try to prepare myself for what is about to happen, what a waste of time that was. My legs start shaking, uncontrollably. Thoughts fly through my mind. I’m going to mess this up, I’m going to break down, and I’m going to get punished if they think I’m lying. I feel totally vulnerable. Then I come out of my daydream, and remember why I was here. Be strong they told me. Be strong?! How can I be strong in a situation like this? I come out of what seems another daydream. The woman walks over to me and gives me a sympathetic look, but I know she doesn’t mean it. She probably does this day in, day out. She’s too informal. I look up at her and give a false smile, but I really just want to scream at her and tell her to get out my life. I just want to get away, and stay away from this life, of what seems hell. Back to reality, I really need to stop side tracking with these thoughts. Concentrate and be strong. Yeah, right. Go in and say what you have to say and that’s it, everything should be fine.

“Through that door, turn left.” The women said uneasily. “Room seven” she continued after pausing. I look up at her; seriously I want to smack her! I know that she doesn’t care about me, so why should I care about her? I walk over to the door, take a hold of the cold handle, twist, pull and walk through the door. I start welling up, water fills my eyes. God sake, my mascara is just bound to run.
I use my hands and brush my cardigan, making sure it has no creases. I wipe the tears away from my eyes, being careful not to rub my mascara. Out of the corner of my eyes, I’m looking at the room numbers, and I guess that room number seven is ahead of me after seeing number six.

ITS NOT COMPLETE YET, THAT'S HALF OF IT!

[Andeeh]

half of it from the sheer amount of half suggests to me it wont be as great as it could be

[DJ-Ains.T]

i don't get you? "it wont be as great as it could be"? help me improve it then?

im making sure my first half is really good before i start on my second half. i will make sure my second half is as good as well, lol.

[dirrty]

don't worry, i doubt anyone will be copying that...

it just seems like you're listing things and it doesn't follow effectively imo.

[DJ-Ains.T]

constructive critism?! ******* hell.
give me tips then, *REMOVED*

Edited by Syko2006 (Forum Moderator) Please do not be rude to other members, thanks.

[dirrty]

constructive critism?! ******* hell.
give me tips then, *REMOVED*

excuse me?
listen. i don't (or anyone else for that matter) need to give you any tips on how you can improve you preposterous attempt on coursework. why don't you log off and attempt to use the few brain cells you have left and redraft your work, or even discuss your work with your teacher *SHOCK HORROR*

so as my sig says "you better check yo self before you wreck yo self" as it's quite evident that having common sense isn't your forte.

[Misawa]

You are listing the descriptions rather than linking them up, and you don't need to describe every little detail, it makes reading your piece like trudging through snow.

D-.

[ecstasy]

You are listing the descriptions rather than linking them up, and you don't need to describe every little detail, it makes reading your piece like trudging through snow.

D-.

Same as this.

At the moment its just like: I did this. Then I did this. I thought this. I did this. I wanted to do this. I did this.
It's more of a list of actions than a story

[Andeeh]

i don't get you? "it wont be as great as it could be"? help me improve it then?

im making sure my first half is really good before i start on my second half. i will make sure my second half is as good as well, lol.

As other people have said it doesnt seem to flow and its just a list of actions.

In my opinion it seems to short for a short story.

Also i wouldnt hurl abuse at someone trying to help you, if you cant take critiscism dont ask for peoples opinions.

[Misawa]

Judging by your abusive response to critical feedback, of which you asked for, I think your teacher better get a restraining order.