Friendzoned. [Help] [Rep+]

[Jarkie]

Ok; I would like to just add.. I am quite stupid when it comes to 'relationships' never been to lucky with this, so hence this thread.

I have known this girl (for the purpose of the thread, lets call her Summer). for around 8-9 years, and we have been close for pretty much all the time we've known each other. (Close in being we can talk about things that I wouldn't normally say to my other friends).

I do love Summer, quite a lot: on numerous times I have explained my feelings for her however it had kinda made things odd between us (This was a few years back now). anyway I left it there and then and stayed close friends without hinting of the matter, so we have started to really close chats again (This is about 5 months worth of chat) cos' her last Boyfriend treated her like crap and all that, so me being her 'best boy friend' I was there for a chat and to give her comfort and whatnot.

Long story short; she visited me at uni a few weeks back before the christmas break, and from there I knew I still have very strong feelings for her, however I just don't know how to tell her.. On the weekend she was here I brought everything for her, I made sure she didn't spend a penny :) I also bought her also a big 'Me to you bear' which she loved very much (But been told this might of been to much, but I dunno).

Been talking to a few real life friends and they say I am in the 'Friendzone' which could cause problems if I told her my feelings for her once again.. but I just don't know what to do, should I just leave it and stay close friends or really try for it? or like give up on the idea it might never happen.

[scottish]

It's bought not brought.

and "theres only 1 way to find out......"

[Jarkie]

It's bought not brought.

and "theres only 1 way to find out......"

Cheers, didn't see that.

[FlyingJesus]

There's no such thing as a "friend zone", it's a simple matter of whether or not she finds you attractive. If not, she's not going to get with you and being nice to her doesn't mean she has to. If you don't feel like you can carry on just being friends then you need to walk away because neither of you will get what you want otherwise, but if you're able to do it then that's the best path for you I'd say

[buttons]

if a girl wants to be friends LEAVE IT AT THAT

as for your situation, none of us can tell you her feelings HOWEVER it's obvious she felt uncomfortable the first time you told her you liked her and with you buying her a big bear. it seems like she doesn't like you like that. i've had male friends who have done the same for me; buy me dinner, presents, take me out etc, i lapped it up then pushed them off when it suited me and i found someone better. don't be that guy being there all the time for her if you're expecting more from it, she's obviously not. so either - be her friend and be there when she needs you or stop letting placing yourself in situations which is going to make you fall for her more and expect to get something out of it.

also 'friendzone' pisses me off. a girl and boy can be friends. a girl and girl can be friends. it's not called the friendzone and it pisses me and many other girls off to think a guy assumes they're gonna get you by letting them cry on your shoulder. here is a good post: http://yeti-detective.tumblr.com/post/38349905931/we-need-to-talk-about-the-friendzone


So, what’s wrong? You’re a nice guy, right? Why aren’t theses Stupid *****s showing you their vaginas? Probably because you’re too nice. You should be a douche bag like that guy she dated who had interests besides pretending to be her friend while simultaneously trying to eye-laser her pants off. Well, good news: you ARE a douche bag!

Consider something for me. Imagine that I, an incredibly good-looking, nice, eligible man, was walking into a shop ahead of you. As I reach the door I stop to look behind me, and I see you there only a few paces away. So I wait and hold the door. Maybe you say something like, “Thanks, bro. That was really nice.”
To which I respond, “Yeah, it was. Now you know what you have to do, right?” And I take my **** out.
Would that be uncomfortable for you? Would it be unpleasant for you to live in a world where, if a man was nice to you, it meant he expected you to pleasure him sexually? Guess what! That’s uncomfortable for women, too. Isn’t that weird? It’s almost like they’re the same kind of person you are. WEIRD!
No, actually. It’s not weird. It turns out they are the same kind of person you are, and having unwanted ***** around is as horrifying to them as it is to you. So, stop. Stop it with your unwanted ****.

Here’s the hard truth, Friendzone. You’re not a nice guy. You are a gutless, pathetic, sad, horny little worm who’s too afraid of rejection to just tell a woman how you really feel. Your anger when she doesn’t psychically glean your unspoken desires and automatically reciprocate them is actually just you externalizing the disgust you feel for your own cowardice.

erm so yeah, tell her (although imo it's obvious there's nothing there) then either be her friend because you want to be or don't make any contact until you've moved on. but don't use the word friendzoned for the love of god.

[Jarkie]

Thanks for the reposes, I'm quite happy to just be friends don't get me wrong. :P I wouldn't mind more, but I have respect for girls and like when they don't want 'more' shall I say, I listen etc.

She has told me (When she visited me a few weeks back) that at the time of me telling her the first time, she had some sort of the same feelings towards me but she was to Shy at the time or something, but I'm glad we didn't back then, 'cos we are both more mature and etc. so thats why I am slightly confused.. She's invited me to be with her for new year eve and new years day.. so yea.

she liked the bear, she really did, just seeing her smile etc was alot of joy! :)

Buttons it wont let me rep you till the 31st.

[buttons]

ER THOSE ARE IMPORTANT POINTS YOU MISSED OUT
if she liked u before there is possibility she can like u again and if she's inviting you to be with her on new years then that sounds promising lol
gl anyway
buT NO USEAGE OF FRIENDZONE

[Jarkie]

ER THOSE ARE IMPORTANT POINTS YOU MISSED OUT
if she liked u before there is possibility she can like u again and if she's inviting you to be with her on new years then that sounds promising lol
gl anyway
buT NO USEAGE OF FRIENDZONE

Aye, I did read your whole post thanks for that. and I too hate the word 'friend zone' its just what my mates call it, so ye. However I wouldn't mention it towards her at all lol.

lol ty :)

[mrwoooooooo]

just ask her if she wants the d or not and move on

[wiktoria]

SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU

[dunke]

think about it like this.. would you rather spend 10 minutes feeling uncomfortable and explaining your feelings to her or spend the rest of your life wondering if she feels the same or if it could of worked, you'll also be more likely to avoid situations like this if you don't do it now and that's a terrible situation to be in, believe me!

i suggest spending some time alone with her so she's not distracted by other people or problems and tell her how you feel

possible outcomes

- she admits that she has feelings for you as well
- she explains that she doesn't feel that way but wants to be friends
- she tells you that she also has feelings but would prefer to stay friends
- she thinks it's too weird and doesn't want to be friends any more

the first three outcomes are equally possible but the last one is extremely unlikely to happen judging from what you've put in your original post

short term outcome: you'll be nervous and worried about the outcome
long term outcome: it will be a huge weight off your mind and you will have a stronger relationship with her as a friend or more than that or in the unlikely event you might lose contact with her, but if she doesn't want to talk to you purely because you're attracted to her then your relationship as friends can't of been that strong because she should be able to handle it and also help you overcome how you feel so that you two can have a strong friendship together

you can't be very happy or relaxed if you're constantly wanting to tell her something but unable too right?

the whole friend zone concept is in your head, thoughts are powerful and change the way everyone lives their lives but you can overcome them if you step out of your comfort zone

[Zak]

From past experience if she hasn't fancied you for 8-9 years then it's not likely to happen.

If someone doesn't find you attractive there's not much point. I'm not saying all is lost but being just a friend for so long isn't really promising.

My advice just tell her how you feel. Then she can take it how she wants, if she doesn't feel the same way then move on my friend

[Jarkie]

think about it like this.. would you rather spend 10 minutes feeling uncomfortable and explaining your feelings to her or spend the rest of your life wondering if she feels the same or if it could of worked, you'll also be more likely to avoid situations like this if you don't do it now and that's a terrible situation to be in, believe me!

i suggest spending some time alone with her so she's not distracted by other people or problems and tell her how you feel

possible outcomes

- she admits that she has feelings for you as well
- she explains that she doesn't feel that way but wants to be friends
- she tells you that she also has feelings but would prefer to stay friends
- she thinks it's too weird and doesn't want to be friends any more

the first three outcomes are equally possible but the last one is extremely unlikely to happen judging from what you've put in your original post

short term outcome: you'll be nervous and worried about the outcome
long term outcome: it will be a huge weight off your mind and you will have a stronger relationship with her as a friend or more than that or in the unlikely event you might lose contact with her, but if she doesn't want to talk to you purely because you're attracted to her then your relationship as friends can't of been that strong because she should be able to handle it and also help you overcome how you feel so that you two can have a strong friendship together

you can't be very happy or relaxed if you're constantly wanting to tell her something but unable too right?

the whole friend zone concept is in your head, thoughts are powerful and change the way everyone lives their lives but you can overcome them if you step out of your comfort zone

Dunke, Thank you so much for this post. It has put me at a better understanding than I was. I am seeing her a few days before new years, so I will tell her then, hopefully my nerves wont get the better of me! :) Rep+


From past experience if she hasn't fancied you for 8-9 years then it's not likely to happen.

If someone doesn't find you attractive there's not much point. I'm not saying all is lost but being just a friend for so long isn't really promising.

My advice just tell her how you feel. Then she can take it how she wants, if she doesn't feel the same way then move on my friend

Thanks bud.

[karter]

oh god you are adorable. If I were you I would ask her out like and if she says no again, well it will be weird but it is not like it has not been weird till now. Personally I don't like gobbling up feelings because it would make matters worse and its a 9 year friendship, it should be strong and should not break just because you told her what you felt. If she says no then don't push it too much (seems you are good at it anyways because she is still your good friend). Most relationships start with friendships anyways so quit being shy and the me to you bear thing was CUTE omg and it was definitely not too much

PS. Don't rely on me too much there is a reason I am still single -_-
Do post results though :)

[Biogenetics]

In the friendzone? Simple. Stop talking to her, just simply reply no more, don't say a word why or anything. For the next few months go to the gym, work out, get a job, get some money, get some confidence, some masculinity. Once you've done all of those things, "bump" into her in town or at school, or suddenly start talking to her again. Talk exactly the same as you used to, but don't be so "cuddly/I'll do anything/needy" like you may have been. It works. Also, if it doesn't, who the hell cares? You've turned your life around and got some stuff done, you've got money, you've gotten healthy, it's a win win.

[karter]

In the friendzone? Simple. Stop talking to her, just simply reply no more, don't say a word why or anything. For the next few months go to the gym, work out, get a job, get some money, get some confidence, some masculinity. Once you've done all of those things, "bump" into her in town or at school, or suddenly start talking to her again. Talk exactly the same as you used to, but don't be so "cuddly/I'll do anything/needy" like you may have been. It works. Also, if it doesn't, who the hell cares? You've turned your life around and got some stuff done, you've got money, you've gotten healthy, it's a win win.

I would be pretty mad if I were to go through all that to win a girl and she says no. pfft feelings can't be played with, and also it is not humanly possible for someone to stop talking to someone you have feelings for. If she doesn't like him still, she will definitely not like him later. Money and masculanity cannot buy mutual attraction. Might work in fiction but doubt it will work in reality.

[Jarkie]

Sorry for the late reply.


oh god you are adorable. If I were you I would ask her out like and if she says no again, well it will be weird but it is not like it has not been weird till now. Personally I don't like gobbling up feelings because it would make matters worse and its a 9 year friendship, it should be strong and should not break just because you told her what you felt. If she says no then don't push it too much (seems you are good at it anyways because she is still your good friend). Most relationships start with friendships anyways so quit being shy and the me to you bear thing was CUTE omg and it was definitely not too much

PS. Don't rely on me too much there is a reason I am still single -_-
Do post results though :)


Awh, cheers! :) I will tell her all in a few days when I see her! :) and I shall post results :)

[Jack!]

http://assets.diylol.com/hfs/c7b/cf4/cf3/resized/moment-of-silence-meme-generator-a-moment-of-silence-for-our-brothers-in-the-friend-zone-18053f.jpg?1345273605.jpg

On a serious note, I was in the same position as you for around 2 years before I finally plucked up the courage to ask my girlfriend, this was 2 years ago and we are still together today, I think it was because we really knew each other before we were going out, And from what I can remember, We've only really had one argument, which is good.

But the way I see it is this, You'll never know unless you ask, But, I had brought it up once before with my girlfriend, And then when I asked again, I kind of started with "I know we've spoke about this before and it made things really awkward, But I need to tell you how I really feel" something like that anyway, And it was a bit awkward, And we didn't really talk much after it for a few hours, Then she replied a day later I think, saying OK, Lets see how it goes.

The only reason my girlfriend didn't want to originally go out with me was because of the fact she didn't want to lose me as a friend, and that if we were to go out and break up, She thought she would, so, it could be why.

[BeanEgg]

Girls do this thing and I really don't like it. I'm in a similar situation, this time it's with a girl I live with at uni. I wouldn't tell her again that I still have feelings for her, since that will show that you're a bit full on. I would try distance yourself a little bit from her, if she notices and comes back more flirty then that could show that she has some feelings for you, if she doesn't come back then it shows it's merely a friendship, you can then just apologise for not talking to much due to a hectic uni life!