Football Jokes Thread

[-Heart]

Post them all in here.

Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - he scores a hat-trick in 20 minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It's wonderful!"
"Wonderful?! " says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
"Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother was beheaded by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
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Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. ******* typical, all the windows are boarded up and some ***** nicked all the ******* chocolate.

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How do you confuse a Man United fan?

Give him a map of Manchester.

[jacko2244]

LOL

I love them two jokes!

I take it you hate liverpool?

[-Heart]

LOL

I love them two jokes!

I take it you hate liverpool?

Not particularly, just the best jokes are about them ol:.

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the
door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because
I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.

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If Liverpool fans shout "Up the Pool!"
and Aston Villa fans shout "Up the Villa!"
What do Arsenal fans shout?

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Dear Mr Ferguson, Michael will not be attending football today as he's hurt his __________.
Fortunately, its not as serious as originally thought and he should be back to his best in __ weeks.

Yours sincerely, Mrs Owen.

[Jack.Lfc]

Post them all in here.

Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - he scores a hat-trick in 20 minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It's wonderful!"
"Wonderful?! " says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
"Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother was beheaded by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
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Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. ******* typical, all the windows are boarded up and some ***** nicked all the ******* chocolate.

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Hahaha heard the second one before. Whats the difference between match of the day and wolves? Wolves are ****e match of the day isnt.

[lBlue]

[-Heart]

Hahaha heard the second one before. Whats the difference between match of the day and wolves? Wolves are ****e match of the day isnt.

:eusa_clap:rolleyes::eusa_clap:rolleyes:.

Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by 3 of the most beautiful women in the world.

Miss Venezuela pops the first question :- Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won. Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says ........ "Can you autograph my left breast please?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges....

Miss Croatia pops the second question :- Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them. Sir Alex again acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says..... "Can you autograph my right breast please?" Sir Alex again bemused, duly obliges....

Miss Argentina pops the third question :- Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons. Sir Alex again acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says......."Can you please autograph this please"

Sir Alex totally gob smacked by now says "Hang on a minute love, no. no. no..!! .. last time I signed an Argentinean ****....it cost me £28 million!


England ladies football team have made it into the Euro Championships final. Most of them haven't seen a semi before never mind going all the way.

[FlyingJesus]

How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb at Old Trafford?

Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy a commemorative shirt from 10 years ago when they last changed a light bulb, and one to drive the other two back out of Manchester later.

[Black_Apalachi]

Not particularly, just the best jokes are about them ol:.

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the
door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because
I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.

---------------------------------------------

If Liverpool fans shout "Up the Pool!"
and Aston Villa fans shout "Up the Villa!"
What do Arsenal fans shout?

---------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Ferguson, Michael will not be attending football today as he's hurt his __________.
Fortunately, its not as serious as originally thought and he should be back to his best in __ weeks.

Yours sincerely, Mrs Owen.

:eusa_clap:rolleyes::eusa_clap:rolleyes:.

Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by 3 of the most beautiful women in the world.

Miss Venezuela pops the first question :- Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won. Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says ........ "Can you autograph my left breast please?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges....

Miss Croatia pops the second question :- Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them. Sir Alex again acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says..... "Can you autograph my right breast please?" Sir Alex again bemused, duly obliges....

Miss Argentina pops the third question :- Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons. Sir Alex again acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says......."Can you please autograph this please"

Sir Alex totally gob smacked by now says "Hang on a minute love, no. no. no..!! .. last time I signed an Argentinean ****....it cost me £28 million!

Loled at all those and even the first Liverpool one in the OP .

How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb at Old Trafford?

Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy a commemorative shirt from 10 years ago when they last changed a light bulb, and one to drive the other two back out of Manchester later.

Like the last bit

[Mexel]

Funny one about Blues always bloody here it.

St Andrews has burgled last night and managed to get into the trophy room, they got away with a red carpet and the trophy cabinet.

Googled these but quite amusing

Rafa Benitez has this morning explained why he continues to play the rotation system. He says it’s the keep the burglars guessing, who’s at home or who’s in the team.

Stevie G is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex Curran asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that’s good?" asks Curran.
"You bet Hon" says Steve."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

Why do pigeons fly upside down in Liverpool?
Because there's nothing worth ******** on.



What does a Dingle (Wolves fan) do after watching his team win the Premiership?
Turns his Playstation off and gets into bed with his sister.

Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps? A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Three Spurs fans were moaning that their team kept losing.
"I blame the manager" said the first, "if he would sign new players, then we could be a great side"
"I blame the players" said the second, "if they made more effort, I am sure we would score more goals"
"I blame my parents", added the third, " if I'd been born in Gillingham, I'd be supporting a decent team!

David Blaine was gutted to hear that his record of 48 days in the box doing absolutely nothing has been broken by Darren Bent. (Would have pissed myself if i heard that a few months ago lol)


Haringey council has blocked Tottenham’s plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A town hall source said: “We don’t mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus every fortnight is a bit much.”

Breaking news: Tottenham Hotspur have finally won a game. It was a friendly behind closed doors at non-league Walthamstow the other day. And if you don't believe us here is the proof (http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-imag...08/10/21/3.jpg).


A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, "Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10". The boy says, "OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10?" He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "I can hear cannons blasting, so it's an Arsenal ball." Next he gives him a Millwall ball: "I hear lions, so it's Millwall." Amazed, the shopkeeper says, "Get this and you can have it for nothing." The boy listens and says Wolves. The man asks if he's heard a Wolf. "No," says the boy. "It's going down."




I changed a few teams names in the jokes, i think i went a bit far in posting them haha.

[-Heart]

Funny one about Blues always bloody here it.

St Andrews has burgled last night and managed to get into the trophy room, they got away with a red carpet and the trophy cabinet.

Googled these but quite amusing

Rafa Benitez has this morning explained why he continues to play the rotation system. He says it’s the keep the burglars guessing, who’s at home or who’s in the team.

Stevie G is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex Curran asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that’s good?" asks Curran.
"You bet Hon" says Steve."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

Why do pigeons fly upside down in Liverpool?
Because there's nothing worth ******** on.



What does a Dingle (Wolves fan) do after watching his team win the Premiership?
Turns his Playstation off and gets into bed with his sister.

Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps? A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Three Spurs fans were moaning that their team kept losing.
"I blame the manager" said the first, "if he would sign new players, then we could be a great side"
"I blame the players" said the second, "if they made more effort, I am sure we would score more goals"
"I blame my parents", added the third, " if I'd been born in Gillingham, I'd be supporting a decent team!

David Blaine was gutted to hear that his record of 48 days in the box doing absolutely nothing has been broken by Darren Bent. (Would have pissed myself if i heard that a few months ago lol)


Haringey council has blocked Tottenham’s plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A town hall source said: “We don’t mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus every fortnight is a bit much.”

Breaking news: Tottenham Hotspur have finally won a game. It was a friendly behind closed doors at non-league Walthamstow the other day. And if you don't believe us here is the proof (http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-imag...08/10/21/3.jpg).


A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, "Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10". The boy says, "OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10?" He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "I can hear cannons blasting, so it's an Arsenal ball." Next he gives him a Millwall ball: "I hear lions, so it's Millwall." Amazed, the shopkeeper says, "Get this and you can have it for nothing." The boy listens and says Wolves. The man asks if he's heard a Wolf. "No," says the boy. "It's going down."




I changed a few teams names in the jokes, i think i went a bit far in posting them haha.

ol: Laughed at most of those.

Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".

Little Boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and *** in his gob".

Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".

Little boy: "No miss, it's ********. He plays for Derby County but I'm too embarrassed to say".

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A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ****** wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but *****s and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

"No ****!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

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What's the difference between a hedgehog and a bus full of united supporters?

The hedgehog's got the *****s on the outside.

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A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man United fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

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Heard the latest African Nations Cup score?
Tunisia ate, Ethiopia didn't.

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How many Wigan Athletic fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Both of them.

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What's the difference between an arsonist and Newcastle United.

An arsonist won't waste his last 10 matches.

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Ivory Coast 5, Malawi 0.

Ivory Coast fans were "Over the Moon".

Malawi fans were said to be "Crushed".

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For sale... One Arsenal dartboard. No doubles or trebles on it.

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It was my birthday on Saturday and I settled down to watch the Man Utd - Spurs game. Just before kick off my girlfriend turns up with a card and present. As I started to open the gift she excitedly exclaimed that I should wear it during the game. To my surprise I held up a Manchester City shirt.

"You do know that I'm a Man Utd fan?" I ask.
"Yeah I know but I thought this one matches your eyes"

It's her birthday soon so I've bought her a West Ham shirt to match her newly bruised face.

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West Ham United sign 2 Iraqi players and the manager gives them their debut in an important league match. The ball comes spinning towards them but the captain, who's also well placed to receive the pass, shouts,

"Mine!" and both players hit the ground immediately.