Short Vampire Story

[Gibs960]

But that's what vampires do, Suck that might sound dirty, but true.

[Inseriousity.]

"before tumbling like a baby to the floor"

Yeah, I'm not quite getting this bit. It made me stop reading and ruined the suspense so I'd either change it or remove the similie. Remember, not every sentence has to be long. Use short sentences for bigger impact.

Also "salty tears", tears would have sufficed, I think.

Overall though, a good start with a lot of potential so keep it up.

[Nixt]

But that's what vampires do, Suck that might sound dirty, but true.

If you're not concerned by the explicit use of sexuality as a Gothic convention, when it should be discreet, then at least take into account the poor construction of that part then . It's good other than that though!

[Hollie]

thats really good!
i couldnt write like that, i fail at story's :L
well done

[Gibs960]

The tumbling like a baby bit fits perfectly I think :S I will take in all your advise for my next piece of writing

[Inseriousity.]

Babies tumble? hmmmm, cry like a baby, sleep like a baby. tumble like a baby? yeah I'm just not getting it sorry.

[Shar]

Babies tumble? hmmmm, cry like a baby, sleep like a baby. tumble like a baby? yeah I'm just not getting it sorry.

I agree

And vampires do SUCK

[Gibs960]

When babies are learning to walk, they fall over....

[Inseriousity.]

"tumble like a baby who is just learning to walk."

Yeah, whichever way you put it, I think it slows down the tension of the writing by unnecessary similies.

[Gibs960]

I agree it slows the tension, but it doesn't completely kill the story :|