Short Vampire Story

[sammy]

If you want to succeed you need to accept constructive critism. I agree with Inseriousity & Garion, the 'falling to the floor like a baby' similie just doesn't really work, and the "sucking" thing is indeed very, erm, dodgy.

But it's a good piece of work. A few punctuation errors and stuff like that, but the vocabulary is good overall and it's quite well structured.

Well done !

[Judas]

I agree it slows the tension, but it doesn't completely kill the story :|

it doesnt kill it at all, its just not a very good similie really as babies arent known for tumbling i guess? and spelling it out like inseriousity put would slow down the pace of the story, something else would work better

but it is really good, especially coming from an 11 year old really well done

[Volumise]

its good, better than what I would write

[Narnat,]

Amazingg ;']]] tbh. It's really discriptive !