Depression

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i don't wish to come off as critical/insulting or anything, but when it comes to depression, people are quick to place that label upon themselves. i'm not saying you're not depressed, but a lot of people just use it as an excuse for mood swings, feeling down, etc.

i completely agree and i hate the label of any mental illness. everything with mental illness is seen as being negative when it isn't always. some people do amazing things with their depression, or with their schizoid mind lol. mental illness, even depression in general, is so broad that people are going to fit in to some sort of 'abnormal' illness. no-one fits the 'normal, functioning person' imo :/

As long as you won't judge, I'm schizophrenic. It's not something I'm ashamed of but people tend to have negative reactions to it.

yeah. people seem to think schizophrenic's are psychopaths. they're not. schizophrenic's i can handle because they aren't out to harm and if they do it isn't because they want to. psychopaths are aware of their thoughts and and if they do harm they don't feel bad about it. i'm fairly sure my brother is the latter...


am gonna put mine in spoiler so u dont have to read if u dont want to

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i always denied i was depressed because i didn't really understand what it meant, i thought of it as being in bed all day for weeks not wanting to get out. i can get out but most days i dream of staying in bed forever, not seeing anyone, not having to work towards anything life cause i don't see the point or a future. i was diagnosed with BDD when i was 15, it isn't as strong as it used to be and i had group therapy for it which is completely ridiculous considering most people there had social anxiety and panic attacks l m a o. i went for the juice and biscuits. it helped for a little while but i always had this little niggling voice at the back of my head that i didn't deserve to be happy and that i CANT be happy. i still get that, it's hard to be happy when you won't let yourself.

as for drugs, i won't ever take them. 'psychiatry means healing the soul, not medicating the brain'. i will never rely on it, it only treats the symptoms. if it's the only thing that allows someone to function normally then that's fine but i can't see it suddenly changing me in to a different person. i have no trust in anything so i'm sure as hell not gonna trust a bunch of drugs. the only way i see myself getting better is if i was reborn (preferably in to another time period) or hypnotised to completely forget my childhood and current thought process. i don't think ill ever see another therapist for the rest of my life, if i do it'll probably be when i'm a lot older. i reckon i'll have to go through years of it or i'll have to get family involved and that's just not going to happen.

my family motto is essentially to deal with stuff alone and don't make your problems known so my family aren't very open people which makes it difficult to get answers or talk about how you feel. i can handle my depression, i think. never really known how to deal with it. alcohol and ice cream are my therapies. depression is like my normal state of mind and i still function adequately on the outer but inside is different.


it amazes me how much teenagers are depressed. especially the people i've met on the internet, wow. i wonder if there's a correlation... i don't see it as weak or pathetic. it's easy for me to think of suicide or how worthless life is but when i see someone else say it i really can't handle it cause i don't think any life is worthless. except mine. depression is so dumb i wish there wasn't any, not long-term anyway. i don't see it as attention seeking either, it's easy to get lost in the moment and i honestly hope those people look back at their 'depression' as being a phase. i will always take depression/suicidal thoughts seriously because you just never know, you can say "you're not depressed" - it doesn't matter what you are, if you're feeling sad or worthless then you don't need to be brought down even more by people telling you you're an attention seeker. it makes me sad the way people treat each other. i'm pretty sure i will never get over my depression, like i say my thought process is complicated... it's hard to change the past and it's hard to change how i feel about it. i'm ashamed of being depressed which makes it even worse, it's an on-going cycle. feel worthless > depression > feeling more worthless. i dont mind talking about it, i'm very open about a lot of things in life but i won't let anyone help me.

i think i could be happy if i moved away from this hell hole and create my own life. it's one thing that does keep me going in education, motivation etc... but sometimes i have relapses.

[jasey]

i completely agree and i hate the label of any mental illness. everything with mental illness is seen as being negative when it isn't always. some people do amazing things with their depression, or with their schizoid mind lol. mental illness, even depression in general, is so broad that people are going to fit in to some sort of 'abnormal' illness. no-one fits the 'normal, functioning person' imo :/

yeah. people seem to think schizophrenic's are psychopaths. they're not. schizophrenic's i can handle because they aren't out to harm and if they do it isn't because they want to. psychopaths are aware of their thoughts and and if they do harm they don't feel bad about it. i'm fairly sure my brother is the latter...


am gonna put mine in spoiler so u dont have to read if u dont want to

Show Hide

i always denied i was depressed because i didn't really understand what it meant, i thought of it as being in bed all day for weeks not wanting to get out. i can get out but most days i dream of staying in bed forever, not seeing anyone, not having to work towards anything life cause i don't see the point or a future. i was diagnosed with BDD when i was 15, it isn't as strong as it used to be and i had group therapy for it which is completely ridiculous considering most people there had social anxiety and panic attacks l m a o. i went for the juice and biscuits. it helped for a little while but i always had this little niggling voice at the back of my head that i didn't deserve to be happy and that i CANT be happy. i still get that, it's hard to be happy when you won't let yourself.

as for drugs, i won't ever take them. 'psychiatry means healing the soul, not medicating the brain'. i will never rely on it, it only treats the symptoms. if it's the only thing that allows someone to function normally then that's fine but i can't see it suddenly changing me in to a different person. i have no trust in anything so i'm sure as hell not gonna trust a bunch of drugs. the only way i see myself getting better is if i was reborn (preferably in to another time period) or hypnotised to completely forget my childhood and current thought process. i don't think ill ever see another therapist for the rest of my life, if i do it'll probably be when i'm a lot older. i reckon i'll have to go through years of it or i'll have to get family involved and that's just not going to happen.

my family motto is essentially to deal with stuff alone and don't make your problems known so my family aren't very open people which makes it difficult to get answers or talk about how you feel. i can handle my depression, i think. never really known how to deal with it. alcohol and ice cream are my therapies. depression is like my normal state of mind and i still function adequately on the outer but inside is different.


it amazes me how much teenagers are depressed. especially the people i've met on the internet, wow. i wonder if there's a correlation... i don't see it as weak or pathetic. it's easy for me to think of suicide or how worthless life is but when i see someone else say it i really can't handle it cause i don't think any life is worthless. except mine. depression is so dumb i wish there wasn't any, not long-term anyway. i don't see it as attention seeking either, it's easy to get lost in the moment and i honestly hope those people look back at their 'depression' as being a phase. i will always take depression/suicidal thoughts seriously because you just never know, you can say "you're not depressed" - it doesn't matter what you are, if you're feeling sad or worthless then you don't need to be brought down even more by people telling you you're an attention seeker. it makes me sad the way people treat each other. i'm pretty sure i will never get over my depression, like i say my thought process is complicated... it's hard to change the past and it's hard to change how i feel about it. i'm ashamed of being depressed which makes it even worse, it's an on-going cycle. feel worthless > depression > feeling more worthless. i dont mind talking about it, i'm very open about a lot of things in life but i won't let anyone help me.

i think i could be happy if i moved away from this hell hole and create my own life. it's one thing that does keep me going in education, motivation etc... but sometimes i have relapses.

Wow! It was really inspiring to read your story. I am especially interested in the quote you put about medication. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in taking medication but I've been on tablets for so many years now that I would actually need to go to a detoxification facility for a while to get off the tablets. I have been to group therapy too and I think it's usually very unproductive. If it works for some people then great for them but, honestly, I always felt exactly like you did in those situations. Anyways, thank you so much for sharing that. It made me feel like I'm not alone and that others are going through the same kinds of things that I am. I also want to thank you for understanding schizophrenia. You are a good person.

[Stephen]

Of course you made the right choice in taking medication if you're schizophrenic

and anyway if I was on benzos for years I wouldn't even think about trying to wean off them

[Shar]

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I've been trying to deal with depression for about 9 years now..its something that never leaves me but something that I can deal with, although that's easier said then done. I think the ultimate cause of my depression was being bullied and being abused over the years. Even when that period of my life went passed I never truly could over come it. It really affected my performance academically at school and I became very antisocial and afraid to get close to anyone, this ultimately made everything worse and I kept feeling more down and more suicidal and kept having thoughts about death. It kept getting worse and there were times I never used to want to get out of bed and all I wanted to do was sleep..I also suffered from insomnia and I'd stay up all night thinking which didn't help at all. It eventually got worse when I there was a death of someone very close to me which basically crushed me and I couldn't deal with it any longer. I was then forced to see a counselor every week for about 2 years. I kinda left that stage of my life behind when I got really annoyed with myself for feeling so ******* useless. I tried doing better academically, tried being more sociable and tried getting more confident.

Although there are times when I think that I'm a waste of space and that I'll never really make a difference in this world or that anything I do is useless, there has been times where I've been happy and where I've really tried to push negatives thoughts out of my head.
It hasn't been easy and all and there are times when I have relapses and I end up in a dark place again but I never stop trying. /rant

It may be surprising for some but there are many people my age and younger who go through depression and you shouldn't be ashamed if you're one of those people, its surprisingly common.

[jasey]

Of course you made the right choice in taking medication if you're schizophrenic

and anyway if I was on benzos for years I wouldn't even think about trying to wean off them

Yeah, but my dosage of benzodiazepines is unusually high. Clonazepam is on par with alprazolam being the two strongest benzos you will get a prescription for. I believe the maximum dose for psychiatric illness on clonazepam is 4mg and my psychiatrist, over the years, has bumped me up to 12mg. I think he is a really bad person for doing this to me because he has made me dependent and a slave to the dosage. I don't believe he knows what he was doing. I have searched the internet for help regarding this and I can't find anyone who has experience with this dosage for so long. It scares me. I was so silly to accept the tablets.

[Shar]

Yeah, but my dosage of benzodiazepines is unusually high. Clonazepam is on par with alprazolam being the two strongest benzos you will get a prescription for. I believe the maximum dose for psychiatric illness on clonazepam is 4mg and my psychiatrist, over the years, has bumped me up to 12mg. I think he is a really bad person for doing this to me because he has made me dependent and a slave to the dosage. I don't believe he knows what he was doing. I have searched the internet for help regarding this and I can't find anyone who has experience with this dosage for so long. It scares me. I was so silly to accept the tablets.

Is it possible to talk to a doctor about this or something?

[jasey]

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I've been trying to deal with depression for about 9 years now..its something that never leaves me but something that I can deal with, although that's easier said then done. I think the ultimate cause of my depression was being bullied and being abused over the years. Even when that period of my life went passed I never truly could over come it. It really affected my performance academically at school and I became very antisocial and afraid to get close to anyone, this ultimately made everything worse and I kept feeling more down and more suicidal and kept having thoughts about death. It kept getting worse and there were times I never used to want to get out of bed and all I wanted to do was sleep..I also suffered from insomnia and I'd stay up all night thinking which didn't help at all. It eventually got worse when I there was a death of someone very close to me which basically crushed me and I couldn't deal with it any longer. I was then forced to see a counselor every week for about 2 years. I kinda left that stage of my life behind when I got really annoyed with myself for feeling so ******* useless. I tried doing better academically, tried being more sociable and tried getting more confident.

Although there are times when I think that I'm a waste of space and that I'll never really make a difference in this world or that anything I do is useless, there has been times where I've been happy and where I've really tried to push negatives thoughts out of my head.
It hasn't been easy and all and there are times when I have relapses and I end up in a dark place again but I never stop trying. /rant

It may be surprising for some but there are many people my age and younger who go through depression and you shouldn't be ashamed if you're one of those people, its surprisingly common.

That is so moving. To hear all of the awful places you have been in your mind and how you have mostly moved past it is so good to hear. I know it is probably trite of me to say but please continue to push the negative away as much as you can. You're a wonderful person.

Is it possible to talk to a doctor about this or something?

I am going to be moving for a year and a half to Québec City which is in North America in just over a week so once I get there I am considering seeking out a detox program. I am just not sure how medical stuff works when I am not a citizen of the country and just there for work. I have only really been interested and brave enough to think about getting off the tablets for a few months so I haven't taken any action yet. It's terrifying, honestly. Benzo withdrawal is one of the few types of comedowns that can kill you. It's worse than heroin if I understand correctly. This thread, though, has made me want to talk to a medical person even more.

[Stephen]

But are you sure you want to come off them? Are they helping you at all or

[jasey]

Well, the benzodiazepines are specifically for anxiety. Some research I've done even suggests that benzodiazepine class medications can aggravate and encourage schizophrenic tendencies. They helped at the beginning but you get tolerant very quickly and in all truth they are only meant to be taken for a few weeks or a month at maximum. I have a period of two or three years in my life where I can't remember much because of the haze the benzodiazepines put on your brain. It is a lot of lost memories and that kind of makes me sad. It happened to coincide with what I consider the best relationship of my life and it breaks my heart now to know that I lost out on keeping memories from that because of the tablets.

[Shar]

That is so moving. To hear all of the awful places you have been in your mind and how you have mostly moved past it is so good to hear. I know it is probably trite of me to say but please continue to push the negative away as much as you can. You're a wonderful person.



I am going to be moving for a year and a half to Québec City which is in North America in just over a week so once I get there I am considering seeking out a detox program. I am just not sure how medical stuff works when I am not a citizen of the country and just there for work. I have only really been interested and brave enough to think about getting off the tablets for a few months so I haven't taken any action yet. It's terrifying, honestly. Benzo withdrawal is one of the few types of comedowns that can kill you. It's worse than heroin if I understand correctly. This thread, though, has made me want to talk to a medical person even more.

The way you're dealing your condition is truly inspirational and I rate you for that. I hope everything works out for you because you sound like a really lovely person.