Overbearing/ridiculous parents

[lawrawrrr]

So basically you want to have free reign and be independent but still get everything paid for/given to you and it's somehow unfair on you that your parents don't agree with the way you're spending their money. If you want the freedom, get your own money, otherwise you have to compromise because that's just how these things work. You bring up the whole "act like an adult" thing but you're not acting like one as you say you are, you're just attempting to live an adult social life with someone else's finance. It's frustrating, sure, but you can't just expect to have everything on a plate forever.

That's a ridiculous thing to say really. I don't want everything paid for, I have student loans which I live off but I am given an extra allowance, which I am extremely grateful for. It's not that they don't agree with the way I spend it, they say once it's mine, it's mine and I can spend it how I wish, I was just making the point that my mum doesn't dress me any more.

I have my own finances, however I am still a student who's struggling to find work in the current economy, and it was only JUST enough to live off last year, next year I have a much bigger rent and will need extra help. All of my friends are eligible for government GRANTS, which they don't have to pay back. As I'm not entitled to this, how am I supposed to find extra money to live off without looking to my family?

Anyway, if you read the whole thread before jumping into the patronising deep end, you'd realise my main problem is not the money, it's that I have zero freedom, and everything I do is wrong. I was looking for advice talking to my parents, not a lecture on 'how childish my view of money is', because it's actually really not.

[FlyingJesus]

If you need the money you have to accept the terms under which it's given to you, it's really that simple

[lawrawrrr]

They don't give it to me with terms, it's used as blackmail afterwards. I don't really get what you mean by terms either. Once again, if you read the thread, you'd realise I've been looking for jobs and do more housework than my mum does, but still get accused of doing nothing. She's being a hypocrite, and if you're saying I need to pussyfoot around her and be at her beck and call 24/7, then that's not going to happen, I'm not a slave and I have my own life.

[beth]

i live with my dad off my own finance and income and i find it works much better because i'm not dependent on him. i'm very very unforgiving in situations like these simply because whilst you complain of their rules whatever you are living rent-free, spending their money AND they're taking you on holiday.

if you really hate it that much, look for volunteering next summer and just bear it for now. sure it's not nice, but it's a temporary thing.

and i don't mean to be really picky but you say it's not fair some of yr friends are eligible for extra government grants? that's because their parents are obviously much less well off than yrself. that's not their fault, and they'll probably be living off that money over the summer.

when i was at uni my parents gave me nothing. those extra grants were a lifeline. i'm sorry but you don't really know how hard it CAN be.

[lawrawrrr]

I volunteer now, but had to take a month off due to the op, as I can't walk. I'm not criticising the people who get extra grants at all, I'm just saying how unfair it is that Tom is saying 'oh you're such a spoilt brat' effectively because my parents give me money to live off, whereas it's less that a government grant is?


EDIT: this thread isn't even about money. That's not a problem.


EDIT2: oh and i'm paying for my own flights and don't get any spending money while my sister gets 100 quid (200 dollars)

[dbgtz]

I can relate to the massive inequality. Me and my two brothers have to do housework, which is fair enough except one never does anything because his days off do not align with everyone elses. He leaves his crap everywhere which I am then moaned at for and I am told to clear up. I refuse to now, I got sick of the lack of housework he does so I don't see why I should clear up after him directly.

Also with ridiculous parents, my dad moans at me because I said I do not want to buy a car as I would not take it to university. He literally shouts at me because I do not want to buy it. I ignore it and will put up with it for another year or so (assuming I get a university place), doing that for X months is your only option.

[beth]

I volunteer now, but had to take a month off due to the op, as I can't walk. I'm not criticising the people who get extra grants at all, I'm just saying how unfair it is that Tom is saying 'oh you're such a spoilt brat' effectively because my parents give me money to live off, whereas it's less that a government grant is?


EDIT: this thread isn't even about money. That's not a problem.


EDIT2: oh and i'm paying for my own flights and don't get any spending money while my sister gets 100 quid (200 dollars)

i think when you come down to it money can be a massive strain on relationships, which is the point i'm making. myself and my sister (who get no money off either of our parents now we're over 18) have much much better relationships with my mom and dad. and i definitely think that is because we are not dependent on them and see them as equals rather than sources of funding.

and the holiday thing, yr still getting to go away ha i haven't had a holiday in 11 years. and there's no way in this current economic climate my family would ever be able to afford a holiday, and both my parents work fulltime.

just sayin', good to count yr blessings and get on with it.

[lawrawrrr]

I can relate to the massive inequality. Me and my two brothers have to do housework, which is fair enough except one never does anything because his days off do not align with everyone elses. He leaves his crap everywhere which I am then moaned at for and I am told to clear up. I refuse to now, I got sick of the lack of housework he does so I don't see why I should clear up after him directly.

Also with ridiculous parents, my dad moans at me because I said I do not want to buy a car as I would not take it to university. He literally shouts at me because I do not want to buy it. I ignore it and will put up with it for another year or so (assuming I get a university place), doing that for X months is your only option.

It's like an unwritten rule in my house that I'm responsible for clearing up anything left by me and my sister, unless it's in her room. Thankfully mum usually reminds her to take stuff upstairs so it's only her room that's a complete tip! I'm in the same boat as you, car-wise, what's the point wasting money when it's better to save it for uni? That's exactly what I've done, it just makes more sense!!!

---------- Post added 27-06-2012 at 05:45 PM ----------

i think when you come down to it money can be a massive strain on relationships, which is the point i'm making. myself and my sister (who get no money off either of our parents now we're over 18) have much much better relationships with my mom and dad. and i definitely think that is because we are not dependent on them and see them as equals rather than sources of funding.

and the holiday thing, yr still getting to go away ha i haven't had a holiday in 11 years. and there's no way in this current economic climate my family would ever be able to afford a holiday, and both my parents work fulltime.

just sayin', good to count yr blessings and get on with it.

It's not my fault that my parents are wealthy really. I know I'm very fortunate to come from this background, but it doesn't make the fact they're unbearable to live with any different.

I realise people have it much worse than me, I never claimed I had a terrible life, I just said she's hypocritical and overbearing on me. Once again... I DONT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY ASPECT SHE'S ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD WHO CAN'T GO OUT. I'm looking for advice on how to approach her about treating me like the almost-19-year-old like I am.

[FlyingJesus]

They don't give it to me with terms, it's used as blackmail afterwards. I don't really get what you mean by terms either.

You know that this is how it is, so yes these are the terms you've accepted by not refusing their money/food/housing.

Once again, if you read the thread, you'd realise I've been looking for jobs and do more housework than my mum does, but still get accused of doing nothing. She's being a hypocrite, and if you're saying I need to pussyfoot around her and be at her beck and call 24/7, then that's not going to happen, I'm not a slave and I have my own life.

It's good that you're looking for work but that doesn't mean that you currently have your own money and whatnot. I don't have a job at the moment but I don't go to shops and say that I'll pay them for stuff if I ever do get one, that's not how the world works. The housework that you do is the offset for all the money being spent on you, so no you're not a slave - slaves don't get paid, have no choices whatsoever, and cannot possibly leave their situation without the consent of those holding them.

I volunteer now, but had to take a month off due to the op, as I can't walk. I'm not criticising the people who get extra grants at all, I'm just saying how unfair it is that Tom is saying 'oh you're such a spoilt brat' effectively because my parents give me money to live off, whereas it's less that a government grant is?

I wasn't saying that at all, but due to the nature of your replies I will say it now: you're acting like a spoilt brat. Not being out all the time (which you shouldn't be doing anyway if you're that injured from an operation) and doing housework is what you're doing as an alternative to paying rent and buying your own food and luxuries - with the added bonus of actually getting given money along with it. I've never heard of anyone over the age of like 14 getting paid to do housework in their own home.

EDIT: this thread isn't even about money. That's not a problem.

It's quite clearly about money since you're not refusing to take it. If it's truly a "need" rather than "want" situation then it's even more about the money, since what you're effectively doing is working off your living expenses by living to the rules of the house. Just because you don't understand the value/cost of your lifestyle doesn't mean it's not the issue.

I'm looking for advice on how to approach her about treating me like the almost-19-year-old like I am.

Simple - stop refusing to accept that your dependency has to come with consequences.

[lawrawrrr]

You know that this is how it is, so yes these are the terms you've accepted by not refusing their money/food/housing.

ok that makes no sense... accepted what exactly?

It's good that you're looking for work but that doesn't mean that you currently have your own money and whatnot. I don't have a job at the moment but I don't go to shops and say that I'll pay them for stuff if I ever do get one, that's not how the world works. The housework that you do is the offset for all the money being spent on you, so no you're not a slave - slaves don't get paid, have no choices whatsoever, and cannot possibly leave their situation without the consent of those holding them.

Once again, you're making zero sense. I don't go buying many things, only essentials really as I don't like wasting money. I realise that I'm expected to do some things, which is what I do, but sometimes it seems like I'm expected to do everything when my younger sister and live-at-home-mum don't do anything, which isn't fair. You don't need to get so technically pedantic, as you're so used to.

I wasn't saying that at all, but due to the nature of your replies I will say it now: you're acting like a spoilt brat. Not being out all the time (which you shouldn't be doing anyway if you're that injured from an operation) and doing housework is what you're doing as an alternative to paying rent and buying your own food and luxuries - with the added bonus of actually getting given money along with it. I've never heard of anyone over the age of like 14 getting paid to do housework in their own home.

You were thinking it. I'm not out all the time, I never said that. I said I usually am but haven't been able to for a month now. I actually do pay my own rent and buy food for the majority of the year, and for all the time I'm living at home (3 months in the summer, 6 weeks the rest of the year) I don't get paid anything, so your argument is completely flawed there. I'm not asking to be paid for housework, I'm saying I accept it as a replacement for rent - doing my share is only fair, I'm just saying it's not fair for my mum to agree to this, then go on to say I contribute nothing. If I had a job, I'd be expected to pay rent, as I wouldn't be helping round the house.

It's quite clearly about money since you're not refusing to take it. If it's truly a "need" rather than "want" situation then it's even more about the money, since what you're effectively doing is working off your living expenses by living to the rules of the house. Just because you don't understand the value/cost of your lifestyle doesn't mean it's not the issue.

It's not about money, you're making it about money. What I'm saying is there is one set of rules for my sister and parents to live off, and a completely separate set for me - I'm not given lifts anywhere despite being barred from going out in the night if I wanted to - whereas my sister goes out AT LEAST once a month and is picked up at 2 or 3 in the morning. If I got home at 2, I'd find the door locked from the inside (meaning I can't open it) and I'd have to go elsewhere. Not easy when all my friends live about 10 miles from me. My 'lifestyle' actually costs very little, and especially since being at University I know exactly what quality of life I need and what it'll cost me. The job I want is never going to be lucrative so I know I need to be sensible. But the issue is actually my sister has more freedom than me and i'm treated like a child when i'm actually nearly 19 and shouted at for everything I do.

Simple - stop refusing to accept that your dependency has to come with consequences.

Right, so you're saying that my parents give me a bit of money when I'm not living at home and that means when I am at home I have to be completely at their beck and call, and gives them the right to treat me the way they do when my sister is treated like the angel child?