[Article] Why I Won't Ever Adopt

[Jssy]

Great article Kim, although I do disagree in parts. I don't think adoption is lying and it can be positive. My cousin I have always known was adopted, my uncle and auntie fostered 100's of children before they came to adopt her. Her parents were drug addicts and injected herione whilst her mum was pregnant with her. She was born addicted to heroine and because of sharing needles my cousin has hepatitis. We have always been her family, her dad tried to contact her but what they'd done was so disgusting she doesn't acknowledge them as parents. I never think of my cousin as adopted, she's my family, she's my cousin and I would do anything for her. Some people have that need to seek their real parents, but real family isn't everything, family isn't blood. Adoption is a positive in which a child is out of that environment, I don't think its right to lie if a child is adopted but I think from your experience you see adoption as a negative thing? Thats how it comes across.

Some parents just weren't made to have children, they don't have that mentality. Not in your case, but there's cases where I don't think adoptees appreciate their adoptive parents and that they have been brought up in a loving family, in a secure happy environment. Naturally I think children will want to know where they came from but it can cause more hurt in the long run if they are rejected. I think adoption is such a good thing because you are helping another child and parenting them in a way that their own parents couldn't ever. I aren't adopted myself but my cousin has been with us since she was 3 weeks old, she is happy, she has flourished and she's a better person than what she would have been if she'd grown up with her parents.

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good read. i'm not adopted but i do take some issues with the article. i'm not intending to be offensive or negative but if you'd like to clear yourself up then please do;

firstly; you say your parents gave you good, better memories than you'd have had with your bio mother and that you realized how much you'd taken them for granted once you met her. didn't they do a good thing for you? cause at the end you say you won't adopt because of the lies and abuse which seems a bit harsh, especially if there wasn't real abuse (from your adoptive parents) going on. like i say, feel free to correct me

+ again with the "i won't adopt because family means more to me than the lies, the abuse, the emptiness and the puzzle pieces." do you not see your adoptive parents as your family? & trust me, all that happens in biological families. a new secret will pop up in mine every few years which are best left secret. if i had known what my life would be like in this family before i was born, i'd be glad to be adopted.

i suppose i just feel a bit sad for adoptive parents having to tell the kids they're adopted because to them you're their kid and that's that. then by telling them you jeopardize the relationship they've built. it would suck for the adoptee and adopted because the adoptee is (hopefully) doing a good thing but in the end the whole relationship can be ruined and the bringing the kid up in a good family can all be 'obliterated' as you put it and your loving and caring has been for nothing.

i definitely see why you wouldn't want to adopt because of the emptiness and the confusion of who you are and it does make me wonder about how to go about it if i'm ever to adopt. my cousins girlfriend adopted her nephew at the age of 2 and they've always been honest with him and he understands that he came from another woman but still calls the one who brings him up mum. i wonder if that would have made a difference for you? i'll definitely keep it in mind if i do ever adopt.

This is what I thought, like my cousin is 19 now, been with us since 3 months old and we are family, the house she lives in with her adoptive parents is her home and its weird right now typing adoptive parents and adoptive cousin because those words aren't needed to us. Family doesn't always mean blood, if your adoptive parents bring you up, clothe you, love you theres no question about it, they're your family, they chose to care for you. I don't know, I guess its not fair for me to say that because I'm not adopted myself so maybe can't understand but someone adopting a child is such a big thing, it changes their life forever, and they do it because they want you as their child even though its unbiologically, I hope that makes sense but this was to point out that I agree with that point you made

[Kimmy]

good read. i'm not adopted but i do take some issues with the article. i'm not intending to be offensive or negative but if you'd like to clear yourself up then please do;

firstly; you say your parents gave you good, better memories than you'd have had with your bio mother and that you realized how much you'd taken them for granted once you met her. didn't they do a good thing for you? cause at the end you say you won't adopt because of the lies and abuse which seems a bit harsh, especially if there wasn't real abuse (from your adoptive parents) going on. like i say, feel free to correct me

+ again with the "i won't adopt because family means more to me than the lies, the abuse, the emptiness and the puzzle pieces." do you not see your adoptive parents as your family? & trust me, all that happens in biological families. a new secret will pop up in mine every few years which are best left secret. if i had known what my life would be like in this family before i was born, i'd be glad to be adopted.

i suppose i just feel a bit sad for adoptive parents having to tell the kids they're adopted because to them you're their kid and that's that. then by telling them you jeopardize the relationship they've built. it would suck for the adoptee and adopted because the adoptee is (hopefully) doing a good thing but in the end the whole relationship can be ruined and the bringing the kid up in a good family can all be 'obliterated' as you put it and your loving and caring has been for nothing.

i definitely see why you wouldn't want to adopt because of the emptiness and the confusion of who you are and it does make me wonder about how to go about it if i'm ever to adopt. my cousins girlfriend adopted her nephew at the age of 2 and they've always been honest with him and he understands that he came from another woman but still calls the one who brings him up mum. i wonder if that would have made a difference for you? i'll definitely keep it in mind if i do ever adopt.

Heyhey, don't worry about it! I'm so open to feedback and letting people know the truth. I can't really tell you the whole story here, because the whole story is... It's difficult. My adopted family did give me a good life, and they did save me from something that could have bee a whole lot worse than what it was. They gave me a better childhood and built better memories on the worse ones. I found my biological mother this month and it turns out some of the things I was told were definitely not what I was told primarily. Some stories that'd been weaved into my mind were... a lot different. I'll always have so much gratefulness for what was done for me, but what I said here is just scratching the surface where there's a whole underlayer of other stuff that just... ugh. I see my adoptive parents/brothers as my family; and I've always let them know that they're the only family I'll ever have despite the past.

[scottish]

Few things and i cba wording them properly

1) As you are adopted, surely you have a higher appreciation for those who do adopt people, as for example if your adopted parents hadn't adopted you, you could still have been in a foster home for several years and having an absolutely poor upbringing with no family?

I would have thought that people who have been adopted would be more likely to want to 'return the favour' when they get to the age/place in life that they're wanting kids as they understand what the childhood is like of someone who's getting passed around in foster care or care homes or whatever they even do.

2) How do you expect them to do it without 'lying'? like sure you can say Oh I would want my kid to know they're adopted, but in the grand scheme of things you're not going to say to them constantly that they're adopted just so they can remember it when they're older and come to understand it? Sure if they ask if they're adopted don't say NO but not saying 'oh you're adopted btw' isn't lying, so not sure if your family actually went to lengths to keep the truth from you or what

3) Out of curiosity why did you want to meet your mum? If my parents told me tomorrow that I'm adopted, I genuinely would have no interest in finding my birth parents, as they obviously didn't want me and I would have no interest in knowing them, that added they're probably scum and not someone I'd want in my life.

4) "I won't adopt because I've realized that family means so much more to me than the lies, the abuse", again if you were the one adopting then you'd have the ability not to lie to them and not to 'abuse' them (not sure if you mean actual abuse or just because you found out your adopted?). Adopting a child would be your family. Maybe not your own blood but they're your family regardless.

[Rachel]

I was adopted when I was technically born almost lets say but not legally so my parents could take me anytime at their house without consent from my adopted parents. I was legally adopted at 16 months. I was told by my adopted mother at age 7 that I was adopted. Of course I asked questions about the reason and such due to my parents neglected my brother, sister and myself so they were reported.

When I turned 18 my real mother told me on Facebook that she wanted to sell me ffs but my adopted mother refused and said I'm not buying the child she said she is like my own child now not something you buy from the store... and hearing that broke my heart about my real parents. To be honest I consider my adopted mom like my real mom. She raised me well.

I am now 23 and I haven't spoke to my real parents since I was 18 in front of my face that they didn't want to do anything that has to do with me. I wanted to at least on my part to keep in touch with my real parents but they didn't want to. They both past away when I was 19. I'm lucky to have my adopted mom along side and I am taking good care of her as much as I can.

There is nothing to be ashamed of to be adopted. If I would still be with my parents I would probably not even be alive today as they hardly fed my family and me and stuff. So I am grateful every thing and moment with my adopted mom actually she is my MOM and always will be :Heart:

Nice article Kimmy xxx

[Empired]

Heyhey, don't worry about it! I'm so open to feedback and letting people know the truth. I can't really tell you the whole story here, because the whole story is... It's difficult. My adopted family did give me a good life, and they did save me from something that could have bee a whole lot worse than what it was. They gave me a better childhood and built better memories on the worse ones. I found my biological mother this month and it turns out some of the things I was told were definitely not what I was told primarily. Some stories that'd been weaved into my mind were... a lot different. I'll always have so much gratefulness for what was done for me, but what I said here is just scratching the surface where there's a whole underlayer of other stuff that just... ugh. I see my adoptive parents/brothers as my family; and I've always let them know that they're the only family I'll ever have despite the past.

Does this mean your adoptive parents lied about the circumstances under which you were adopted? Because it's always possible that they don't truly know. Two of my cousins are also adopted and it turns out my Aunt & Uncle didn't know half of what had happened to them beforehand, they found out a few years after they adopted my second cousin.

[Absently]

Few things and i cba wording them properly

1) As you are adopted, surely you have a higher appreciation for those who do adopt people, as for example if your adopted parents hadn't adopted you, you could still have been in a foster home for several years and having an absolutely poor upbringing with no family?

I would have thought that people who have been adopted would be more likely to want to 'return the favour' when they get to the age/place in life that they're wanting kids as they understand what the childhood is like of someone who's getting passed around in foster care or care homes or whatever they even do.

2) How do you expect them to do it without 'lying'? like sure you can say Oh I would want my kid to know they're adopted, but in the grand scheme of things you're not going to say to them constantly that they're adopted just so they can remember it when they're older and come to understand it? Sure if they ask if they're adopted don't say NO but not saying 'oh you're adopted btw' isn't lying, so not sure if your family actually went to lengths to keep the truth from you or what

3) Out of curiosity why did you want to meet your mum? If my parents told me tomorrow that I'm adopted, I genuinely would have no interest in finding my birth parents, as they obviously didn't want me and I would have no interest in knowing them, that added they're probably scum and not someone I'd want in my life.

4) "I won't adopt because I've realized that family means so much more to me than the lies, the abuse", again if you were the one adopting then you'd have the ability not to lie to them and not to 'abuse' them (not sure if you mean actual abuse or just because you found out your adopted?). Adopting a child would be your family. Maybe not your own blood but they're your family regardless.

Not trying to pick on you or anything Scott but I just thought I'd point out about your point three. One of my sisters was adopted and I've never ever met her. That choice was made by my mother to give her up for adoption because she knew she couldn't give her the best life she could as my mother came from a poor enough background and worked very hard but still had very little, she also lived with two of her sisters (who both had a kid each at the time) and two of her brothers. My mother wanted my sister so badly, but she knew that she couldn't give her an amazing life that she thought she deserved. My mother is in no way scum what so ever. All my life I've known about my sister and my mother has tried to keep in contact throughout (which has been hard for her as her adoptive parents broke a lot of promises they had made to my mother). Obviously I do understand this is not the same circumstance for most.

[Kimmy]

Does this mean your adoptive parents lied about the circumstances under which you were adopted? Because it's always possible that they don't truly know. Two of my cousins are also adopted and it turns out my Aunt & Uncle didn't know half of what had happened to them beforehand, they found out a few years after they adopted my second cousin.

They definitely knew about the circumstances as they tried a establish a system of contact between my biological mother for a few years (this being behind social services back) through which some things were said and done which are unforgivable on both parts.
Some people have no clue what I'm trying to say which is understandable because nothing ever comes out correctly when I feel so passionately about something. I wasn't lied to in the sense that they hid the fact that I was adopted. I was lied to by the manner in which they dealt with it and fluctuation of their ideas and feelings on what they wanted to do. A lot of crap happened... The lies and the emptiness what because if what developed and what I discovered -after- I found out. Unlike some deluded ideas might be (not your own, you seem very conscious and polite of the fact that you have different ideas and my own experience might not be the same), my experience with both my biological family and my adopted family weren't perfect at all, despite the rescue from the circumstance to begin with.

[Kimmy]

Few things and i cba wording them properly

1) As you are adopted, surely you have a higher appreciation for those who do adopt people, as for example if your adopted parents hadn't adopted you, you could still have been in a foster home for several years and having an absolutely poor upbringing with no family?

I would have thought that people who have been adopted would be more likely to want to 'return the favour' when they get to the age/place in life that they're wanting kids as they understand what the childhood is like of someone who's getting passed around in foster care or care homes or whatever they even do.

2) How do you expect them to do it without 'lying'? like sure you can say Oh I would want my kid to know they're adopted, but in the grand scheme of things you're not going to say to them constantly that they're adopted just so they can remember it when they're older and come to understand it? Sure if they ask if they're adopted don't say NO but not saying 'oh you're adopted btw' isn't lying, so not sure if your family actually went to lengths to keep the truth from you or what

3) Out of curiosity why did you want to meet your mum? If my parents told me tomorrow that I'm adopted, I genuinely would have no interest in finding my birth parents, as they obviously didn't want me and I would have no interest in knowing them, that added they're probably scum and not someone I'd want in my life.

4) "I won't adopt because I've realized that family means so much more to me than the lies, the abuse", again if you were the one adopting then you'd have the ability not to lie to them and not to 'abuse' them (not sure if you mean actual abuse or just because you found out your adopted?). Adopting a child would be your family. Maybe not your own blood but they're your family regardless.

Since you've posed the questions, I'll answer them for you in as much detail with my own personal reasoning as I can. Keep in mind however, that these won't mirror your own or anyone else's views.

1. I didn't once mention that I don't have any appreciation for the people who adopt. I'm as grateful as I could be for the life I was given, and even mentioned that I'd give anything to support/fund the children that need homes although couldn't give them homes myself. Adoption isn't a 'favour'. You don't tell the parents who weren't parent enough that you'll do them the deeds of taking the child off of their hands. Adoption is a life choice that has a different outcome on everyone. Sure, it's a great thing, but it's not always sunshine and perfect as people who have no idea percieve it to be.

2. Most have been taking my comment about the lies a completely different way in which was intended. If you read back on other replies, you'd understand this. There's an underlayer of other things that build upon the perception of 'lies', this being a far more personal part about my life (and that of other people's) that I won't explain on here. I wasn't claiming that they'd lied to me by not telling me I was adopted until a later age. I'd rather have found out at the age I did because I was then old enough to understand the reasoning. I was claiming that this so-called reasoning wasn't as truthful as I first was pampered with. This, again, is a personal matter.

3. Everyone's story is different. Some biological parents who give up their children do it not because they don't want them, but because their circumstances prevent them from giving them a sufficient and fulfilling life. That 'scum' is also a part of who you are, whether some would deny it or not. That happened to be a part of me that I felt was empty. Watching my brothers (both biological to my adopted parents) grow up and having attributes that linked to their mum and dad left me wondering what I was like in contrast to my biological mother and left posing questions that, because of the type of person I am, needed to be answered.

4. This sort of links to point two and the personal factors. I've never once believed that my biological family aren't my family. They're who I grew up with, they're who I played in the garden and fed the ducks with, they're who I made tell me bedtime stories and made it my mission to annoy day in and day out. Despite what they attempted to reorient my mind to believe in the end (a different, controversial topic that proves my point on the adopted families not being perfect) I've never considered them anything less than my mummy, my daddy, my brothers. Adopting a child would be my family and with no doubt they'd grow up with the full ability to rely on me being their family from the moment I adopted them until the moment I died, but narrowing down to emotional factors I, personally, really couldn't do it. Though the case isn't the same for everyone else, my story has left me somewhat wounded. Until I close those wounds (excuse the cliche) I will always have the same views. Perhaps one day they'll change but for now, I'm happy to share my own opinions on why not and support those who want to make a change.

Hope this answered most of them, if you need to know more about the 'personal' factors, I can answer in PM.

[Empired]

3) Out of curiosity why did you want to meet your mum? If my parents told me tomorrow that I'm adopted, I genuinely would have no interest in finding my birth parents, as they obviously didn't want me and I would have no interest in knowing them, that added they're probably scum and not someone I'd want in my life.

You didn't ask me but i'm gonna answer anyway just to give another example.

I have a few memories of my birth mother from when I was very little and I wanted to meet her a few years ago to find out why things happened the way they did. You only get told so much through social services, and normally then it's the technical side of adoption rather than the emotional side. I was also interested to see what she was like, what she looked like, if I was anything like her, etc. just because I was interested to see how similar we still were. Anyway yh turns out that was a bad idea and meeting with her didn't answer anything, just left me confused and annoyed.

A lot of children react badly to being told they're adopted as a surprisingly large amount of people believe family are the people you share blood with. I would assume the most common reason for wanting to meet your birth parents is that you want to find out who you are. Like I know it's a cliche in Jacqueline Wilson books but that genuinely is a thing.

Yh still. I'm all for blood over water so whoever I'm "really" related to doesn't bother me at all.

[buttons]

i'd definitely want to met my biological parents for curiosity sake but i doubt i'd want a relationship with them. i know what it's like to go to meet up with your bio parent and for them to let you down and not actually want you in their life.

when i look at people, i'm always interested to see what they got from their parents, probably because i'm unable to do it for myself. i look to see whose looks and mannerisms they have. i can do that easily with my mum. i have her eyes, eyelashes, build and face shape but our noses are completely different and so is our hair, did i get them from my dad? i don't know because they split up before i ever thought about anything like that and i've never been able to scrutinize his face or behaviours. me and my mum have a few behavioural traits in common but we are much different in our interests, thoughts and beliefs . i sometimes wonder if i'm like my dad in the way i feel and the way i behave but i'll never know. i won't know how much is me and how much has come from parents genetics. imagine how a person who doesn't even know what their biological parents look like. if i was adopted i'd be interested to see that, same if i'd never met one of my biological parents or if they had been a sperm donor so i could maybe learn a bit more about myself but doubt i'd want a relationship with them.