English GCSE Coursework (short story)

[Technologic]

This is just awful, disjointed and dull.

[Andeeh]

The only bit of advice i think i could say is maybe start again.

[Favourtism]

Judging by your abusive response to critical feedback, of which you asked for, I think your teacher better get a restraining order.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Edited by Syko2006 (Forum Moderator): Please do not post pointlessly, thanks.

[DJ-Ains.T]

Lol, ok. Thanks for your advice so far.

Bull **** to all the others who have just said "it needs to be redone".

Anyway, what I'm going to do is add more speech into the second half, and make it a conversation, so it flows.

Anyhow, if anyone of you could improve my sentace structure so far? Would be nice xx

[ecstasy]

We've told you what's wrong with it but don't expect us to do your coursework for you :rolleyes:

[Andeeh]

Lol, ok. Thanks for your advice so far.

Bull **** to all the others who have just said "it needs to be redone".

Anyway, what I'm going to do is add more speech into the second half, and make it a conversation, so it flows.

Anyhow, if anyone of you could improve my sentace structure so far? Would be nice xx

Look most people who have posted have done this piece before. I have and got a B for it which im happy about.

I just reccomended doing something new as it doesnt seem to great if i am honest.

[Misawa]

I got an A* so listenz.

[DJ-Ains.T]

Look most people who have posted have done this piece before. I have and got a B for it which im happy about.

I just reccomended doing something new as it doesnt seem to great if i am honest.

All my other pieces, I've been given an A. I want an A* for this, and I don't think all of a sudden, someone that tells me it's ****, that got a B as well, will make any difference.

I've seen my teacher today, and he explained that the story I've written seems that it is based on the girl and what she is thinking, and it's working.

Anyway, I'm going to make her go into court. She has been raped, and she stabbed the rapist. She is scared about getting sent down for stabbing the rapist, as well as the fact she thinks they could think she's lieing about rape.

I'll try and make more speech in this next bit, and it should flow more.

[luce]

Judging by your abusive response to critical feedback, of which you asked for, I think your teacher better get a restraining order.

haha

yeah it'a just a massive list a got really good marks on this piece and what i did was listed down all the language devices i needed to use for an A* and made sure i used every single one.

Your use of short sentences as the start goes on far too long so i just stopped reading because yes you build suspense but after a while it's just too hard to read and i just didn't bother to be fair.

Good theme but you went out about the wrong way ! Also i wouldn't tell it in first person.

[kuzkasate]

Well overall I reckon its got a little too much in it.

Try cut down on the little details & try and make it seem more realistic. Maybe get the reader to sympathise more with the character.

Also the "I just wanted to smack her" part really ruined it for me.. maybe try and show the characters frustration in a different way rather than saying that?

Also I just sort of didn't really want to read on once I read the first paragraph because it just seemed as everything got mixed into something big which confused me. But I'm a fussy reader

Good luck