It was all about her wasn't it!

[Addie]

Chapter One-

My older sister Jessica got all the attention. She was sixteen I was eleven. I should get more attention since I'm the youngest. But no. So one day I was in class at school when I got called to the office. ''Your mother is here to pick you up for a dental appointment.'' The office woman Mrs.Mooney said. ''Ok.'' I sighed. I hated the dentist. So I collected my bag and went to get my mum. She was wating outside in the car, and beside her in the front was Jessica. I opened the back door and got in. Then put my seatbelt on. ''So how was school?'' Mum asked. ''Fine.'' I said. ''I got a new job at the hairdressers down the road.'' Jessica said looking so so proud. ''Oh really?'' I said being sarcastic. ''Emmy! Don't be so nasty.'' Mum said. When we arrived at the dentist mum and I went in. We waited ten minutes when I was called in. ''Emmy Parker?'' The dentist said. Me and mum went through. I had a quick check up and they said I was fine. So me and mum went back to the car. We got in and drove home. I just went to my room and got my PJ's on. ''Nothing to do today.'' I thought to myself crawling into my bed.


Chapter Two- Today.

[.Lynn]

Some of your sentences are not full sentences. For example: "But no." Connect that to the sentence before that.

Dont start your sentences with the word "then" think of another word to start it off.

You forgot some commas in some places too. Fore example:" She was sixteen I was eleven." it maybe should be "She was sixteen and I was eleven. Or "She was sixteen, I was eleven."

You switch topics at the starting so you should start a new paragraph. For Example: "My older sister Jessica got all the attention. She was sixteen I was eleven. I should get more attention since I'm the youngest. But no." After that you should make a new paragraph. Also this one too: "So me and mum went back to the car. We got in and drove home. I just went to my room and got my PJ's on. ''Nothing to do today.'' I thought to myself crawling into my bed." It should be a seperate paragraph.

Put more detail into the story, your flipping around too much. For Example: "I hated the dentist. So I collected my bag and went to get my mum." Where did you collect your bag? From thin air?


Is there gonna be a problem in the story that the youngest sister has to overcome?

[Addie]

[quote=Lynn]Some of your sentences are not full sentences. For example: "But no." Connect that to the sentence before that.

Dont start your sentences with the word "then" think of another word to start it off.

You forgot some commas in some places too. Fore example:" She was sixteen I was eleven." it maybe should be "She was sixteen and I was eleven. Or "She was sixteen, I was eleven."

You switch topics at the starting so you should start a new paragraph. For Example: "My older sister Jessica got all the attention. She was sixteen I was eleven. I should get more attention since I'm the youngest. But no." After that you should make a new paragraph. Also this one too: "So me and mum went back to the car. We got in and drove home. I just went to my room and got my PJ's on. ''Nothing to do today.'' I thought to myself crawling into my bed." It should be a seperate paragraph.

Put more detail into the story, your flipping around too much. For Example: "I hated the dentist. So I collected my bag and went to get my mum." Where did you collect your bag? From thin air?


Is there gonna be a problem in the story that the youngest sister has to overcome?[/quote]

Lol. What do you mean by the letters in bold.

[Addie]

Chapter Two-

I fell asleep straight away. It was still afternoon though. I was awoken by Jessica. ''What is it?'' I mummered. ''I was wondering if you wanted to come shopping.'' Jessica said. ''Nah. I feel pretty sick.'' I said. ''Ok'' She said walking out. Why did she even ask? I went back to sleep. Couldn't be bothered doing anything. I got up at about five pm. I put a video on off when I was six. I saw that I was getting alot of attention from my mum and dad. I wonder why that all changed. I forwarded the tape. Nothing intresting, so I turned it off and put my favorite film on ''The Hot Chick'' I love that film. So I crawled into my bed and watched it. Then my best friend April came in. ''Hey!,Whats up?'' She said. ''Hi.Nothing too much.'' I replied. ''Are you comming out today?'' April asked. ''Nah. We'll see whos on MSN.'' I replied. ''Yea, Ok.'' April said. I got up and got my wireless laptop of my desk. April took her trainers off and sat on my bed. Only Cody and Ellie were on. We talked to them for ages.

Chapter Three- Today

[.Lynn]

Lol. What do you mean by the letters in bold.

There needs to be a plot in the story.

Once again, you need paragraphs. Its hard to keep with the story when its all bunched together. The topic switches too much.

We need more detail about the story. example: "I fell asleep straight away. It was still afternoon though. I was awoken by Jessica. ''What is it?'' I mummered. ''I was wondering if you wanted to come shopping.'' Jessica said. ''Nah. I feel pretty sick.'' I said. ''Ok'' She said walking out. Why did she even ask? I went back to sleep."

Changed to: I fell asleep right away when I got home, it was still afternoon though. I was in a deep dream when I was awoken by Jessica. "What do you want?" I murmmered. " I was wondering if you wanted to come shopping with me today?" Jessica said happily. "Nah, I dont really feel like shopping I feel sort of sick" I said. "Okay, suit yourself", Jessica said walking out of my room. I thought why did she even ask? I fell back to sleep a few minutes after she left.

See the difference? I added a bit more detail to the story.

[SHEEPY]

it's hard to keep up with the story full stop.

[Addie]

There needs to be a plot in the story.

Once again, you need paragraphs. Its hard to keep with the story when its all bunched together.

I know. Ill start the paragraphs on the next chapter.

And SHEEPY you need full stops. Duh,

[.Lynn]

I know. Ill start the paragraphs on the next chapter.

And SHEEPY you need full stops. Duh,

Read the rest of my post I edited it.

[SHEEPY]

Yeah that's grammar, what the orignal thread appears to be lacking.

[Addie]

Read the rest of my post I edited it.

Ohk. I would edit but I can't, I would of added it though .