Deserted - The Beach

[Disaronno]

The plane was rocking out of control, the fierce thunder pounded into Steve’s ear. The sound was too intense and he had to let out a cry of fear, the cry of babies behind him became louder and louder, like they were approaching from behind the curtain. Steve looked out the window with a petrified look about him, a blot of lighting cut through the clouds like a knife through bread. It cut into the sea and spread the water apart. The plane was descending at a vast speed, never ending. Steve wanted it to be over, but he couldn’t think straight, did he want it to go back to normal or did he want the plane to crash to get away from the sounds and sights? He was breathing hard. Trying to think of his parents who were waiting for him at the next airport. Babies from behind the curtain were shrieking, Steve couldn’t help but throw up, he looked outside again. And as he done this the lighting ripped through the plane. A gapping hole shredded the planes right side, Steve couldn’t concentrate, and his mind was everywhere. He couldn’t breathe, his heart was coming out of his ribs, he felt himself go dizzy, and the sounds had stopped.

A strange smell filled his nostrils. A Smell that he would never be able to explain. A sort of, burning smell. He didn’t know what was going on; he thought the food on the plane was burning. He opened his eyes, took a deep breathe and looked around, the sight of a black plane and floating bodies filled his mine with assumptions. What went on? Is this real? He couldn’t believe it. Was he on his own? Questions navigated their way around his mind, he had to find someone and ask them.

He struggled to his feet, feeling a pain in his left knee; he looked down at his leg. All he could see was a red attachment to his hip. The sound of people speaking reassured him. He ran towards the sounds, he ran for life, he ran for explanations. As he came round the corner of the beach, he gazed at the sea. It was a clear blue ocean! It looked as if it was fit for kings. He slowed down his sprint to a jog. The sand was hot on his feet, there was shade about 200 ft away, and Steve didn’t want to get lost, so he decided to walk down to the sea and jog next to that. As he got to the sea, a body floated past him. He recognised the bag. It said “Radio-Mantic” this was Anthony’s bag. His friend that was with him. He yanked the heavy body out of the sea, and dived backward into the sand. He inspected the body. To Steve’s amazement, his heart was still pumping.




Its only the start of chapter 1

[Sentrax]

A great start, leaving the reader with anticipation. =)

[Disaronno]

Thanks

[Catzsy]

Yes really good. Next chapter due?

[Shinigami]

Very good Was Lost your inspiration? x]

[Disaronno]

No, Lost was not my inspiration. Lord Of The Flies Author - William Golding

[Piipp]

A couple of quite large grammatical errors and some minor woding changes which I personally would make. Try rewriting the first paragraph, using much shorter sentences. This adds pace and creates tension. The story itself seems to be progressing well though. (I do A Level English Language/Literature so I do know what I'm talking about )