school project story please read

[Tiuhdur]

a story im working on for school (background) first few bits

The moon cast great shadows over the pathway's of Botheron, a dark silence swept through empty alleys until a faint patting of horseshoes echoed down the road. Clop, Clop, Clop getting faster and faster the pacing of horses galloping through the night. Mumbles filled the town as a lonely rider leapt from his horse onto the cobblestones.

There was a sharp, high pitched sound as he withdrew his sword from his leather satchel. Then an eary silence as he crept into a small brick house...

Crash! plates hurled around the room as the peasant squirmed round the room trying to find sanctuary from the rider. Then talking...
"What do you want with me! I have done nothing wrong!"
"You betrayed Lord Isington you fool our lord and master so you fled to this village!"
"but but but..."
"Lord has orderd for your arrest so i am here to silence you"
Then a scream as the rider stabbed his sword into the chest of the peasant. The rider swiftly ran out of the house, onto his horse and rode into the distance
The peasant clambered out of his door seeping blood on the floor, gasping for air he grabbed the cross around his neck and as he slowly died he whispered.
"Please forgive me all mighty one"

thats it for now coz I wana be a habbox writer I thought id start posting some things im doing. I love writing slories and such

rate and c&c

[FlyingJesus]

Umm.. it says he's meant to be arrested but then the guard chap kills him.

[Hoax]

You should as some description, too much dialogue and who's saying what?

[Tiuhdur]

kk but the story is based on films and in most of them the arresting of someone in the olden days meant killin them

ill add some description and a bit of who says what my english teacher says not to put he said/she said etc coz it sounds boring

Crash! plates hurled around the room as the peasant squirmed round the room trying to find sanctuary from the rider. Then talking...
with his sword pointing at the peasants belly the rider said
"You betrayed Lord Isington you fool our lord and master so you fled to this village!"
"but but but..."
"Lord has orderd for your arrest so i am here to silence you"
Then a scream as the rider stabbed his sword into the chest of the peasant. The rider swiftly ran out of the house, onto his horse and rode into the distance
The peasant clambered out of his door seeping blood on the floor, gasping for air he grabbed the cross around his neck and as he slowly died he whispered.
"Please forgive me all mighty one"

there we go from the first line of speech my sister could tell who was speakin so i think thats ok now

[Kyle.tk]

needs to be more description when the guard kills the peasant. Where does his sword go. Rather than stabbing him could be more of a swing. I also don't see why the guard ran away. He was on duty of the king/lord whatever, he's in no trouble. Unless this becomes apparent later in the story?

[Tiuhdur]

ye it does become apparent later this is only the begining later you will descover that the lord didn't order for the peasant to be "Arrested" but it was a kill that has been made by destiny

[Shinigami]

Clop, Clop, Clop getting faster and faster, the pacing of horses galloping through the night.

"Lord has ordered for your arrest so I am here to silence you"

Also, I don't know what you mean here: "You betrayed Lord Isington you fool our lord and master so you fled to this village!"

Other than that a good start in my opinion

[Tiuhdur]

thank you for improving my spelling mistakes i was rather confused when i wrote ordered lol and the speech i think there should not be "you" and "fool" there

[Misawa]

"pathway's"

This should be 'pathways', you can only ever use an apostrophe in English to signal the removal of letters and shortened devices, or the attributes of a word or name, such as 'the bird's nest', ''s' DOESN'T mean more than one of something specific, such as 'egg's', etc, like a lot of people think. It isn't English, it's gobbledygook.