The Theory of Life

F32 · 27-03-2007, 05:47 PM

The Theory of Life.
By Adam Rose

It was 20,000,000,000 years ago when life began; well, rather longer than that but this is as far back as findings take us. It was a Tuesday, if I remember correctly when a seed of microbes decided to hold a party down at the Vibe, which was quite a big club back in the day.

I suppose single celled microbes were at the bottom of all this, with their evolutionary ways in which they could transform into virtually anything they liked.

The jellyfish, was the first ever life form ever to appear on the face of planet earth. This life form actually lived in the sea; which, ironically, we all started off in and we owe the ocean’s animals many thanks for all of the features us, as humans, have today.

Jeffery, the first ever jellyfish to live on this earth held a grudge against the horrible way that he has lived for many years. I understand, thoroughly, why he holds this grudge. But one thing that I don’t understand is the fact that on every Friday night; he insists on having a game of croquet on the Houses of Parliament. Jeffery really is the strange fellow of the deep.

I suppose, you could say that you were made by a string of Jeffery’s; but of course, no Jeffery is complete without his dog. The dog was the next animal to appear on the face of the earth – well, that’s what history tells us anyway.

The first dog on this earth was named Ian. Jeffery was the proud owner of Ian, although he sometimes misbehaved and he got sent to his kennel. When Jeffery decided to go on holiday to the moon, he left his dog behind and that dog got up to some naughty things whilst Jeffery was gone.

Ian decided to go rampaging through the forests and mated with everything and anything that he saw; whether male or female – he did he/she/shim.

When Jeffery came back, he found his dog, Ian, dead – on the doorstep of his house. Jeffery was distort; but when he looked towards the forests and saw what became of the earth, he was purely elated and suddenly didn’t care about Ian.

What Jeffery saw was nothing more than a forest full of big creatures that Ian and his humping antics had made. Later on, these were to be known as the dinosaurs. There was the Tyrannosaurus Rex, the Triceratops and the MerryChipmuss. This was an excellent breakthrough for life on earth.

The earth was still unstable at this time, with volcano’s erupting without warning and daily earthquakes and Richard Simmons, although all the saurus’ just ignored him and his fitness-ing ways.

For the earth to stabilise, Jeffery knew he had to do something. So he grew some legs so he can walk. He grew some arms and hands so he can do things <insert dirty comment here>. He grew a brain so he can process information that he thought of including naked ladies.

How's that for a start?