Feedback on this thing i wrote?

[-JT-]

To say that this piece is slightly over romanticised would be litote of me, however I didn’t write this for myself. I wrote it for a girl, she didn’t believe that I wrote something else so she gave me a subject and some rules and I wrote the beginning of a story for her. Anyway, feedback is loved much


When ones heart is starved of the warmth and cherish of the one they desire, catastrophe is soon to follow. The dire need to be needed is one of the most prime yet most commonly shattered instincts in existence. So much so that when such emotional demands are not met, one is left feeling as if their sternum has been gnawed at until it is nothing but a crimson pulp. Subsequently, constant deprivation can result in emotions that lurk only in the darkest corners of our mind. So, in light of this, why do we constantly throw ourselves in at the deep end of something that should never end, but always does?

Sarah Parker sat, fixated by the cliché montage that stood before her. Eyes red and swollen, she found herself drowned in a pool of desolation and desire. Her heart palpitated on every second beat and her chest was tightening ferociously – it was the same every time her eyes caught sight of them together. However, her torment remained silent. If knowledge of her un-dying love seeped into the hoards of gossip hungry drones, he would find out. She didn’t want him to find out. If she clenched hard enough, closed her eyes tight enough her feelings would remain dormant.

She was starving, searching a baron waste land – desperate to grasp being so alone. Her mind had become an enigmatic labyrinth, a network of emotions that were impossible to navigate, impossible to escape. Long moments would pass, a million things around her would change, yet she failed to notice.

[Misawa]

Pretty good thus far. Undying has no hyphen by the way.

[Shawnstra]

Great! Can't wait to see the complete product!

[Jackbee]

Looking rather good