A poop horror story that i made

[Breakfloor]

ok, its drama homework. but im not sure if its good or crap. please tell me how to improve or what i shouldnt have added. i know i shouldnt have put so many this man said that man said.. so yeh, tell me how to improve
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There was once a family. this familys name was the gheys, yes. the gheys.
this is the story of death..
one sunday the family was in the kitchen. the father heard a knock on the door. so he answered it. it was a door to door salesman asking if they would like to buy something out of his bag. the father said "what have you got" the salesman said "i have a wide variety of weird, helpfull and interesting things. would you like to take a look sir?" the father said "why not? come in" the salesman sat in the living room. placed his bag on the table and opened it. the father saw a pocket watch. it felt empty. like it wasnt there but there was a connection between him and this watch. He had to have it. so he paid £30 for this watch and the salesman left.
12 hours later. it was 3 in the morning, the watch was in the cupboard. on the front of this watch there was a hooded man carrying a stick that ran from the bottom to the top of the watch. it was a plain watch. on the back it said "MADE IN DARKNESS"
so yeh, the kids were sleeping the mother was sleeping but the father just couldnt. he was obsessed with this watch. he heard a knock on the door. as he was walking to the front door he said "who in hell knocks at this time in the night" a DEEP voice replied "i am not in hell i am from hell." the father puts the chain on the door and opens it. the man behind the door said.. "you have something of mine." the father replied. "i am sure i havent. i have never heard your voice before and i cant even see your face!" the man behind the door said "You have heard my voice. my voice is evrywhere. i am the messenger of darkness. and if you have seen my face, could you return it?" the father said "what kind of joke is this ey? go get a life." and slams the door. the father was halfway up the stairs when he heard CRACK CRACK CRACK BANG he turns around. the man was gone. the hinges on the door were broken and the only thing connecting the door to the frame was the chain.
the house was covered in shadows. The father thought that the streetlight outside must have blown. so he went into his bedroom. looked at his wife to check if she was alright. she was fine. snoring loudly. the shadows on the wall started to move. the shadows seemed to collect into one place at first it looked like a puddle. but a man rose out of it. the man was again, the messenger of darkness. all of a sudden he could hear no noise.no snoring. no cars. his wife was dead and the cars had stopped in the middle of the street. no blood. no gore. she was not cut, there was no bruises. but there was no pulse. the messenger of death extended his arm. when it was fully extended a black pole slowly materialised (spelling?) eventually the pole stopped growing but grew in a curve facing right. he span it and slammed it on the floor. the room was once again covered in darkness. there was no smell. there was no sight. it was silent. and BANG he was there again. with the pocket watch. he opened it and pulled down his hood his eyes were empty his face was plain. he had no ears and he nad no nose. just a mouth and eyes that looked like bottomless pits. the messenger of darkness spoke in a more human voice "i have been searching for this watch for a thousand years. it contains my life. but to refill it i must take yours.
the messenger of darkness swung his blade and took off the fathers head refilling his watch. the watch then dissapeared and the messenger of darkness went searching again

[Misawa]

Err... I admire the attempt... but I've got to tell you, it's horrible. The story is way too short and it is a complete cliche. Your work is also missing vital paragraphing and proper grammar.

[Breakfloor]

yeh i know it was a three minure thing and its only for a 5 minute play. so yeh its not ment to have proper grammar untill someone points out what to fix.

[Wig44.]

Err... I admire the attempt... but I've got to tell you, it's horrible. The story is way too short and it is a complete cliche. Your work is also missing vital paragraphing and proper grammar.

To put it nicely :rolleyes:

It's a good attempt, but it's so unoriginal.

[Breakfloor]

how is it unoriginal? its death hunting a watch that contains life and kills anyone that gets in the way.

[FlyingJesus]

There are plenty of horror stories about people getting mysterious items and then the "master" of the item claiming it back.

[Misawa]

Exactly. Your story is basically Lord of the Watches.

[2hd.]

I think it lost it's horror touch when we found out the family were called 'The Gay's'

[dirrty]

the name of the family for starters needs to be changed. how can you have a horror story with a family with that name?

and there is no tension building, its just kinda flat and boring.

[beau03]

how is it unoriginal? its death hunting a watch that contains life and kills anyone that gets in the way.

mate, don't do that lol u asked for opinions