Please Improve on this for me please.

[Eight.]

Basically I am doing creative writing I need to improve somehow just don't add to the ending. That's the cliffhanger I will leave it on you can modify the rest though.



The Murder Scene

“Mr. Jackson you have a client waiting for you” said Mr. Jackson’s secretary through the desk phone. Mr. Jackson replies reluctantly
“Bring him in...” Ben Jackson is a trainee lawyer from Dublin, Ireland handling a case of assault. He picked up a mirror and he ran his smooth hand through his dyed-black hair.
“Ahh! Perfection” A person burst in and Ben fell back on his chair
“What the bloody hell is wrong with you! Have you got no manners?”
The client started sobbing
“I did it! I did it! I hurt him I ASSAULTED ON MY BOYFRIEND!”

Suddenly, Ben walks out the little room he calls Ben Jackson’s office. He wasn’t himself because he had just lost an important case which almost cost him his job. He walks out the main building. Meanwhile, the client just kept crying then she picked up something hard and he throws it out the window toward an alleyway hoping it would hit Ben Jackson. Ben Jackson went down the wrong alleyway not himself. He notices a trail of blood and slowly follows it on and sees a pool of blood and a slumped body on the wall! He looked up, He saw a glimpse of a shadow! Could he/she be the killer?
Ben went towards the shadow… But then he knew he couldn’t leave the body to be chewed by rats.

10 minutes later, After getting common sense into himself. Ben checks the body’s pulse he was still breathing all this time!
“OH YESS!!! He’s alive!” He gets out his mobile phone. The battery is dead… He runs to the building he works at but it is closed
“Oh no! I haven’t got time” He runs to nearby shops but they didn’t believe him. He goes back to the body but it’s gone! Somehow his phone magically turns on. The phone rings Ben answers it a manly deep voice speak
“Right, don’t speak or I will kill you, I know you know about the body. Don’t say anything to anyone. If you do I will kill you and torch your house” The phone cuts…

[Nuct]

I always love a nice eerie story! I noticed a couple of mistakes, but nevertheless good story

The Murder Scene

“Mr. Jackson you have a client waiting for you” said Mr. Jackson’s secretary through the desk phone. Mr. Jackson replies reluctantly
“Bring him in...” Ben Jackson is a trainee lawyer from Dublin, Ireland handling a case of assault. He picked up a mirror and he ran his smooth hand through his dyed-black hair.
“Ahh! Perfection” A person burst in and Ben fell back on his chair
“What the bloody hell is wrong with you! Have you got no manners?”
The client started sobbing
“I did it! I did it! I hurt him, I COMMITED ASSAULT ON MY BOYFRIEND!”

Suddenly, Ben walks out the little room and calls Ben Jackson’s office. He wasn’t himself because he had just lost an important case which almost cost him his job. He walks out the main building. Meanwhile, the client just kept crying. He picked up something hard and he throws it out the window toward an alleyway hoping it would hit Ben Jackson. Ben Jackson went down the wrong alleyway not himself. He notices a trail of blood and slowly follows it on and sees a pool of blood and a slumped body on the wall! He looked up; he saw a glimpse of a shadow! Could he/she be the killer?
Ben went towards the shadow… but then he knew he couldn’t leave the body to be chewed by rats.

10 minutes later, after getting common sense into himself. Ben checks the body’s pulse, he was still breathing all this time!
“OH YESS!!! He’s alive!” He gets out his mobile phone. The battery is dead… he runs to the building he works at but it is closed.
“Oh no! I haven’t got time” He runs to nearby shops but they didn’t believe him. He goes back to the body but it’s gone! Somehow his phone magically turns on. The phone rings, Ben answers it and a manly deep voice spoke.
“Right, don’t speak or I will kill you, I know you know about the body. Don’t say anything to anyone. If you do I will kill you and torch your house” The phone cuts…

Ben Jackson went down the wrong alleyway not himself - the only sentence I didn't get, is it meant to be, possible suggestions:
-Ben Jackson went down the wrong alleyway.
-Ben Jackson went down the wrong alleyway, not being himself.

[Earthquake]

You what when teachers take certain sentences in college to make sure its not been coppied, Habboxforum will show up they will see this thread HAHA

[Nuct]

You what when teachers take certain sentences in college to make sure its not been coppied, Habboxforum will show up they will see this thread HAHA

As long as I get the marks, I really don't mind.

[Inseriousity.]

I posted my original writing coursework on a writing website (for tips) and they never mentioned it.

Personally, I don't like the cliffhanger. Think 'short and sweet' would be more appropriate. It's too drawn out and loses the suspense in it for me...

Some of your sentences make me go 'what? would someone really think like that?' for example: 'but then he knew he couldn't leave the body to be chewed by rats.' Do people really think like that? Imagine seeing a dead body in an alleyway yourself. You'd be shocked, confused and you definitely wouldn't be thinking of the rat problem...