Mental Health - My Experiences and Recovery

[Jazz]

I thought I'd post a thread about my experiences as a person living with mental health problems. I planned to post this as some form of awareness on mental health, and my personal experiences on how I am recovering (to hopefully maybe help people in the future who are going through similar circumstances, or suffer with similar symptoms/disorders as myself). No doubt this has been done countless times, but as I haven't really seen something like this recently I thought I would post.

This is quite a personal thing for me to come out and say, but I have always been taught that if you want someone to truly understand you, you need to be honest to others and yourself. Its very hard for me to say this, and yes you may think I'm a freak, ab-normal or whatever you like.. but honestly, I really don't worry myself over what people say about me over the internet.

Sorry if this is boring and long winded, but I hope you take time to read this. Firstly, I will talk about my personal circumstances. I will then talk about the ways in which I overcame them and recovered (in some aspects), hopefully to give some understanding and for people who may be suffering with the same/similar symptoms/disorders to give some options or support and for the whole community, who may not understand to understand what its like to be mentally disabled.

My Conditions/Disorders:
I currently suffer with 4 different mental health disorders, which are all linked together but affect me in different ways.

Psychosis: Psychosis is a medical word used to describe mental health problems that stop the person from thinking clearly, telling the difference between reality and their imagination, and acting in a 'normal' way.

I suffer with severe delusions and hallucinations, which unfortunately I rarely have control of. In the last 2 years I have suffered with mainly auditory (Hear) and scent (Smell) hallucinations, but my worst experience of hallucination's was a Visual hallucination in which I saw a car crash on a country road, and I closed my eyes and when I opened them, it was gone. This scared me so much I was nearly admitted to hospital. The delusions side of things is the fact that for the last year or so, I had a belief that I in fact had supernatural powers and move things with my mind. I was obsessed with these thoughts, and lost a lot of friends over this obsession.

Clinical Depression: This is probably one of the most common mental health problem a person will suffer with. Its a completely different disorder to Manic Depression (Bipolar) in the way it affects the body. Everyone gets depressed, and low in their life but for someone to be diagnosed with this, is usually when they suffer with it constantly.

This is probably the worst thing I suffer with, it affects me so much that I often lose motivation to do anything what so ever. My mood is often rock bottom, and on the verge of suicidal, the only way I can feel happy in myself truly is when I fill myself with sugar and lots of caffeine. I have a very low concentration level, and I often lose motivation to do simple/everyday tasks (such as sleep, work, wash, clean). I have been admitted into hospital twice for 'Attempted Suicide/Self Harm' in the past year due to my mood dropping so low, I literally have lost the will to live.

Anxiety Disorder:Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is a long-term condition which causes you to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues, rather than one specific event.
My anxiety links in with my depression in which it will also affect my motivation and concentration for a long space of time. It makes me have irrational thoughts about others and often turns into paranoia. For example, my mirrors are covered in my bedroom and bathroom on the basis I am convinced that mirrors give people the opportunity to look through and watch me. The thought of people watching me even when walking past a mirror scares me, so I try to avoid them.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition where a person has continuous thoughts and uncontrollable repetitive behaviour.

My OCD comes from my anxiety, I obsess over something that is bugging me all the time and I have to act on it. If I don't act on it, I tend to feel uncomfortable and sick. When I enter my bedroom I have to check everywhere in my room to make sure someone or something isn't hiding there, also everything on walls must be straightened and tidy.

What is Normality?

In my opinion, people who don't understand the way other people are (maybe because of there race, religion, sexuality or disability) often class them as ab-normal. I don't believe there is a single normal person on this earth, everyone is different in their own way and everyone has something that could be classed as abnormal by another person.

The reason I bring this up is mental health is often called abnormal or 'weird', and conditions themselves have been turned into words that slander/bully others. I have been bullied at college in the past for my mental health problems, and gone through a lot of nasty experiences because of some of these people. This isn't me preaching about how everyone is equal and lovely and beautiful in their own way, this is just something that really bugs me.


Work that helps me with recovery:

I wanted to give you some insight into the way I am helping myself recover, mental health never just goes away if you leave it. It takes a hell of a long time, and can be very stressful along the way.

Talking to someone: It is so difficult talking to someone about your mental state when you go through breakdowns or episodes, but you have to push that barrier. You could talk to anyone, your friends, your family, your GP or your school. I would recommend talking to your GP or school officials (Heads of years, LSA's, Support teams etc) as they can refer you and give you additional support networks. You will usually be referred to a Mental Health team, and its nerve racking when you go but it is seriously good, if you give some of your time to it, it can seriously change your life for the better.

Finding the trigger: When sudden 'Mental Breakdowns/Episodes' start there is always a trigger for it, it could be a very small change to something huge, but there is always some form of trigger for it. Finding the trigger is usually the best place to start, it makes you realize the reason why you are how you are and will give any person you may speak to about it a slightly better understanding. My trigger was my parents break-up, which happens to a lot of families. The reason this triggered my episode was down to the fact I was so distressed with other smaller things, mainly bullying and school studies.

Finding good friends: One of the main things which is helping me to recover is the ability to speak to a select number of people who actually get what I'm going on about. This gives you a massive support system if you don't have the courage to speak out to someone 'official' about it. Friends are there to encourage and support you, as well as the other things that come with a friendship. These friends could be anyone, internet or real life as long as you trust them.

Finding a Distraction: When you feel low, the easiest way to make yourself feel temporarily better is to distract yourself from your thoughts, for example going on Habbo or going out with friends. There are so many things you can do to take your mind off things, you just have to find the select few that are good for you. I found this PDF quite good for finding a distraction technique, it can be used for anything not just self harm (http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/PDF/Self-Ha...es%20FINAL.pdf)

Mental health services work:

If you talk to anyone about your problems, these things have given me a lot of help to recover.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy): Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave. This is offered at most mental health services and really opens up your views and opinions, you can be completely honest and they will give you very good programme of treatment options.

Self Esteem Work: One thing that gets shot down when you suffer with Mental Health problems is your self esteem. All Mental Health Services help you with your self esteem, and give you good advice on ways to work with it and improve in the future.

Medication: Medication sounds a lot scarier than what it actually is, most mental health medications alter chemicals in your brain to help you in the right direction. I started on medication when I was in my first year of CBT, and it took a long time for them to find the right one for me. Most of the time you won't feel any different for a couple of weeks, but then it sneaks in and starts to work. The main thing about taking medication is that you have to take it constantly for about 6 weeks for it to have a massive effect on you (this excludes 'sort term' medications like Diazepam, as that is made to give quick effects).

One thing to avoid: The one thing most people do when they are worried about symptoms and little things like that, is they often Google it. With mental health, Googling can put all sorts of rubbish in your head. Mental health symptoms are usually linked to all sorts of different things, not always a certain problem/disorder or condition. The best thing to do is talk to your doctor, and I know everyone says that but its better than getting paranoid over what Google has told you.

There is lots of help out there, and if the worst comes to the worst and there isn't you can always pop up on my profile/skype etc. I just wanted to share this with you, because the main thing I've always struggled with is feeling that I'm alone and no-one else is similar in anyway.

[Paige.]

omg jazz that is one of the nicest things i've ever read, i mean that you've acctually taken the time to think of others in your situation and you're reaching out to them, that is so nice! i think this will really help people and you should be proud of yourself
oh, looks like i didn't even read it as i replied within 3 minutes but she sent it to me beforehand on skype lol

[Krazybethw]

Im soo happy you shared it all with us ... Ive had alot of freinds that suffer with mental health issue and its scary to see them in such ways etc. xxxn

[Jssy]

Aw Jazz, you are not a freak. You know I understand where you're coming from completely. I have an eating disorder and have had depression for 4 years. I go through not eating more than 300 calories a day, seeing fat even when it's not there, counting calories up constantly, weighing myself constantly, feeling guilty if I over eat, starving myself even when I feel faint. I feel so alone even when I have people there. I've pushed so many people away through my problems and wouldn't wish my problems on anybody. Awareness is important. I used to suffer with panic attacks and have seen psychiatrists so many times but the biggest help to me is having people such as you. I feel like you'll always be there to understand when I'm going through a rough time.

Going to see my doctor about my problems was so hard, but in a way such a relief that it wasn't just on me anymore, that someone else at least knew and were sorting me out the help. For me it's good to know that there is other people with problems, as there is still a stigma attached to mental health. It's good to know that I'm not going through it alone, no matter what

[buttons]

hiya,

firstly i wanna say that if you hadn't written this, i'd have never known, well even though i've never spoken to you it's crazy how much people go through mental health issues and you have absolutely no idea. i'm not too happy with 'depression' 'personality disorder' labels as it seems almost everyone can fit in to some sort of mental health issue so who and what exactly is 'normal'? everything we go through is what we are, i don't like this labelling thingy, it suggests something is wrong with you.

i have also been through many mental issues and have a family history of mental health issues which made me feel less than human and some sort of genetic failure that it really destroyed my self-esteem and worth as a person which manifested itself into more mental illness and depression. i think people who don't go through it don't understand it and thus are scared by it. i've always been personally scared of people with psychosis and schizophrenia etc because i don't know what they are capable of but then i do understand that it isn't something someone would ever choose just like you wouldn't choose depression, it isn't someone willingly putting themselves or other people at risk. there is a difference between choosing to hurt someone or having something out of your control that causes you do it.. anyway, i'm getting a little off topic.

as for talking to people about it you have to be extremely careful who you choose as people can be insensitive and rude because they don't understand it but THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. it's hard if you have paranoia or extreme depression to talk about it because you believe you're weird or unwanted or bothering people but it isn't true at all if you find (and you will) the right people. you'd be surprised, i opened up to my friends thinking they'd think i'm weird but it helped me a lot more than any professional ever could have. the first step is always the hardest. for me it was about pushing negative thoughts back to my mind, thinking of the positive that could happen, jumping into it and reaping the benefits.

i think people will all have different ways of coping but my first advice is to ACKNOWLEDGE the disorder then ACCEPT it. i accept i will feel low sometimes. i accept that i get anxious and flustered around people, i accept that as a part of who i am. i've been like that since i was about 4 years old. i'm not good in a massive group of people but that's okay. i have other strengths and it doesn't make me a bad person or a scary person or someone who should be outcasted. that's why i hate labels because once people say it's wrong to be like this, you feel you have to change it. i don't believe everything has to be changed, i believe more things have to be accepted.

other than that mine is to get rid of negative things or even negative people. i suffer from bdd so i don't look in mirrors anymore, i have my days when i get upset and angry over myself but i know it will pass and i'll still have good days. i know i can be loved even if i'm feeling completely ugly and unlovable. i don't want something as silly as that to ruin my relationships with others like it used to, i don't want my life to be ruined by my OWN thoughts.

i suffer from social anxiety too so if anyone needs advice on that i just pretend i'm already good friends with everyone and focus on talking to them as a person rather than worrying about how i come across, they're worrying about that too. i think most people enjoy conversations with people so there really isn't any need to worry about what someone is going to say.

also there are many talented, NORMAL people with mental health disorders who have used it to their advantage. i myself am thankful for anything i've went through because i can empathise and help others the way you want to. just look at the amount of celebrities with mental disorders and you'll see they're capable of being loved too. it made me feel a lot better.

[Catchy]

You're really brave for posting this!

[Cerys]

N'aww Jazz you're so brave.
I could never do something like this - To actually do something about things which could be happening up there and then to post about it like this. You're honestly the bravest person I know. I use the search tool on here many times a day, searching my name just to see if anyones talking about me without me realising. I feel like someone's always out to get me, planning stuff etc. I've been described by people to be emotionally empty, if you see what I mean. I mean, what ;l I can't be touched, at all. Even by my mum. I'm getting used to a hug every now and then from her, but physical contact is just so... gjkrfdb . And don't even get me started on when it comes to social situations, this isn't even the full story! School gave me help, but I just pushed it away, as you do.

I'm so glad you've got people there supporting you and they will be there every step of the way x

[Jazz]

omg jazz that is one of the nicest things i've ever read, i mean that you've acctually taken the time to think of others in your situation and you're reaching out to them, that is so nice! i think this will really help people and you should be proud of yourself
oh, looks like i didn't even read it as i replied within 3 minutes but she sent it to me beforehand on skype lol

thanks paige, haha and yes I did send it you on skype before xx

Im soo happy you shared it all with us ... Ive had alot of freinds that suffer with mental health issue and its scary to see them in such ways etc. xxxn

yeah, its a horrible thing seeing people suffer with mental health illnesses. My mum and my nan both suffer with severe bipolar and ive had to grow up around it

Aw Jazz, you are not a freak. You know I understand where you're coming from completely. I have an eating disorder and have had depression for 4 years. I go through not eating more than 300 calories a day, seeing fat even when it's not there, counting calories up constantly, weighing myself constantly, feeling guilty if I over eat, starving myself even when I feel faint. I feel so alone even when I have people there. I've pushed so many people away through my problems and wouldn't wish my problems on anybody. Awareness is important. I used to suffer with panic attacks and have seen psychiatrists so many times but the biggest help to me is having people such as you. I feel like you'll always be there to understand when I'm going through a rough time.

Going to see my doctor about my problems was so hard, but in a way such a relief that it wasn't just on me anymore, that someone else at least knew and were sorting me out the help. For me it's good to know that there is other people with problems, as there is still a stigma attached to mental health. It's good to know that I'm not going through it alone, no matter what

you will never be alone jess, you will always have someone who understands what you are going through. You just need to know where to look, and with the diverse nature of this forum.. I think there are some pretty neat people here.

hiya,

firstly i wanna say that if you hadn't written this, i'd have never known, well even though i've never spoken to you it's crazy how much people go through mental health issues and you have absolutely no idea. i'm not too happy with 'depression' 'personality disorder' labels as it seems almost everyone can fit in to some sort of mental health issue so who and what exactly is 'normal'? everything we go through is what we are, i don't like this labelling thingy, it suggests something is wrong with you.

i have also been through many mental issues and have a family history of mental health issues which made me feel less than human and some sort of genetic failure that it really destroyed my self-esteem and worth as a person which manifested itself into more mental illness and depression. i think people who don't go through it don't understand it and thus are scared by it. i've always been personally scared of people with psychosis and schizophrenia etc because i don't know what they are capable of but then i do understand that it isn't something someone would ever choose just like you wouldn't choose depression, it isn't someone willingly putting themselves or other people at risk. there is a difference between choosing to hurt someone or having something out of your control that causes you do it.. anyway, i'm getting a little off topic.

as for talking to people about it you have to be extremely careful who you choose as people can be insensitive and rude because they don't understand it but THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. it's hard if you have paranoia or extreme depression to talk about it because you believe you're weird or unwanted or bothering people but it isn't true at all if you find (and you will) the right people. you'd be surprised, i opened up to my friends thinking they'd think i'm weird but it helped me a lot more than any professional ever could have. the first step is always the hardest. for me it was about pushing negative thoughts back to my mind, thinking of the positive that could happen, jumping into it and reaping the benefits.

i think people will all have different ways of coping but my first advice is to ACKNOWLEDGE the disorder then ACCEPT it. i accept i will feel low sometimes. i accept that i get anxious and flustered around people, i accept that as a part of who i am. i've been like that since i was about 4 years old. i'm not good in a massive group of people but that's okay. i have other strengths and it doesn't make me a bad person or a scary person or someone who should be outcasted. that's why i hate labels because once people say it's wrong to be like this, you feel you have to change it. i don't believe everything has to be changed, i believe more things have to be accepted.

other than that mine is to get rid of negative things or even negative people. i suffer from bdd so i don't look in mirrors anymore, i have my days when i get upset and angry over myself but i know it will pass and i'll still have good days. i know i can be loved even if i'm feeling completely ugly and unlovable. i don't want something as silly as that to ruin my relationships with others like it used to, i don't want my life to be ruined by my OWN thoughts.

i suffer from social anxiety too so if anyone needs advice on that i just pretend i'm already good friends with everyone and focus on talking to them as a person rather than worrying about how i come across, they're worrying about that too. i think most people enjoy conversations with people so there really isn't any need to worry about what someone is going to say.

also there are many talented, NORMAL people with mental health disorders who have used it to their advantage. i myself am thankful for anything i've went through because i can empathise and help others the way you want to. just look at the amount of celebrities with mental disorders and you'll see they're capable of being loved too. it made me feel a lot better.

I completely understand where you are coming from and i am also thankful for the way things went for me, I think its important to know about mental health to really help with it. You cant learn the feelings of mental health illnesses and your video is very interesting to watch

You're really brave for posting this!

haha I trust the majority of people on this forum, but thanks

N'aww Jazz you're so brave.
I could never do something like this - To actually do something about things which could be happening up there and then to post about it like this. You're honestly the bravest person I know. I use the search tool on here many times a day, searching my name just to see if anyones talking about me without me realising. I feel like someone's always out to get me, planning stuff etc. I've been described by people to be emotionally empty, if you see what I mean. I mean, what ;l I can't be touched, at all. Even by my mum. I'm getting used to a hug every now and then from her, but physical contact is just so... gjkrfdb . And don't even get me started on when it comes to social situations, this isn't even the full story! School gave me help, but I just pushed it away, as you do.

I'm so glad you've got people there supporting you and they will be there every step of the way x

I don't like being touched being I'm paranoid, and the things you do do sound like common teenager anxiety and paranoia. I think if you let the school in maybe they can give you some support, you just have to trust in what they are telling you.

[Glen Coco]

I have such huge respect for you for posting this!
I myself have never been diagnosed with 'depression' (bracketed because so many people label depression as different things) but have suffered feelings that I would described as being depressed / mildly depressed. I had stages from around 11 years to about 16 years old where i would starve myself, be obsessed with my weight, leave school half way through the day just because i could no longer be around people, cry for no particular reason; as well as having suicidal thoughts and scratching and picking my arms, ribs and legs.
I never really 'came out' to anyone but my boyfriend found out and i eventually stopped.
it's hard - very hard, i still get times where go to scratch when i get stressed.

I have a few questions about your psychosis though - I don't really understand it or know much about it. you don't have to answer anything that you're not comfortable with
with psychosis is it caused by anything? were you born with it or did it develop (if so, what age?) and is there any way of gettn rid of it?

[Shar]

Thanks for posting this, very informative and it's also very sweet that you're looking out for other people. Thanks so much for sharing