I'm getting SO fed up of my parents atm. Well, my dad's ok on his own, but my mum is just getting ridiculous. She threatens to cut me off and disown me monthly (at least) and totally favours my sister in every respect, althought she'll never admit to it. I'm nearly 19 fgs and they ***** about me going out (refuse to take me anywhere but don't like me being alone in the dark, buses don't run and I can't walk THAT far), whereas they run around after my sister and her friends AND boyfriend all the time. It's just stupid, I want to knock some common sense into her head. She told me off yesterday for buying myself a bottle of Southern Comfort and a bottle of lemonade because I "shouldn't be drinking every night". I just got fed up of my wine I had, which I only have 1 or 2 glasses on friday, saturday and sunday, whereas she has a gin an tonic EVERY NIGHT. She's banned me from storing my rum in the alcohol cupboard too, she's told me to put it on the side with my wine/vodka where my nan'll see it and moan when she comes round.
Just to give you an example of how ridiculous it's getting, she's not talking to me at the moment (and told me not to look at her today) Basically because I'm wearing shorts and a short sleeved top.
Here's the conversation:
Mum (just got home): You finally up yet?
Me: I was up before you went out... you SAW me...
Mum: DON'T BE SUCH A RUDE COW
Me: What?
Mum: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
Me: Ok... *walks off*
Mum: What do you think you're wearing? It's boiling today! You're wearing a JUMPER
Me: *looks outside, it's windy and grey, might rain soon* It's a top, it's thin and I was cold in a tank top.. I've got shorts on...
Mum: Well you just know EVERYTHING don't you?
Me: What?! You always moan at me for my clothes, I buy them, it's my decision
Mum: WELL YOU WON'T BE BUYING THEM IF WE CUT YOU OFF (her favourite threat)
Me: *rolls eyes*
Mum: Well, do you want lunch?
Me: Dunno, what do we have? (she just went shopping so idk what she got)
Mum: I DON'T KNOW COME AND MAKE IT YOURSELF THEN YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD
Me: *walks off*
Mum: mumble mumble I DONT EVEN WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW, YEAH YOU GO AND HIDE IN YOUR ROOM ALL DAY
Me: Will do!
So yeah I'm fed up of her threats to cut me off, I wish I could just go out but I can't due to my recent operation, not allowed to wear shoes much atm, and it hurts. She knows that but keeps telling me I put it on and that I can walk everywhere (buses are expensive man), whereas my sister gets a life 5 minutes down the road as soon as she asks. I don't really know how I can cope with her for much longer, and I've got 3 months before I can go to uni, and a 3 week holiday where I CAN'T get away from them.
What can I do!? When I've talked to my parents in the past they say "act like an adult and we'll treat you like one" but they don't, they treat me like a 10 year old. I can cope while I'm 300 miles away from them but I just feel like I'm living in a prison.
27-06-2012, 01:34 PM
Logandyer45
Well hell. I would fly you to the US and you can live with me. ;)
27-06-2012, 01:40 PM
Shar
One of my friend's dad does the exact same thing. She just ignores him and tries to avoid him/go out to get away from him as much as possible. Hope you're ok :( x
27-06-2012, 01:47 PM
lawrawrrr
@Logandyer45; LOL i will be moving out as soon as physically possible
@Shar; the sad thing is i'm so used to it i don't get emotional about it any more. I try ignoring her, that's why I just walk off in the middle of it usually, but she always screams 'get back here' and i dont want to disobey her, not worth the risk lol!!!
Update: just went down to get lunch, she told me it's too late to eat, despite telling me not to come down earlier... does she want me to starve or something? She was also on the phone to her friend and she said 'yeah the oldest is at uni, well she's home for the summer, wish she hadnt have come home *laughs*... i was standing right next to her
it's like hit after hit... no wonder my psychiatrist wants to hit her, really!!
27-06-2012, 02:34 PM
Empired
Usually I would say something along the lines of "talk to her sensibly when she's in the best of moods, don't get upset about what she says and try to compromise", but seeing as it's fairly obvious that you have tried to talk to her sensibly (and she never seems to be in a good mood when you're around from what you're saying) then I can't think of anything to try except to grin and bear it.
Maybe try and stay with some friends next holidays instead of coming home?
Just spend as little time as possible with her and make sure she knows she's the one who's being ridiculous here. By that I mean don't shout or get upset or do "teenage" things like rolling your eyes or swearing at her or whatever. Be like one of those infuriating automated phone messages you get when you're trying to buy something over the phone ;)
Ooh and I do hope it all works out well in the end.. Some families can fall apart, but if you stay away from her maybe she'll start missing you and realise what a mistake she made? (JUST A HOPE.)
Edit: you said you have an older sibling. Could you possibly talk to them about it? Or are they unbearable too?
27-06-2012, 02:47 PM
lawrawrrr
Quote:
Originally Posted by BamitsElfie!
Usually I would say something along the lines of "talk to her sensibly when she's in the best of moods, don't get upset about what she says and try to compromise", but seeing as it's fairly obvious that you have tried to talk to her sensibly (and she never seems to be in a good mood when you're around from what you're saying) then I can't think of anything to try except to grin and bear it.
Maybe try and stay with some friends next holidays instead of coming home?
Just spend as little time as possible with her and make sure she knows she's the one who's being ridiculous here. By that I mean don't shout or get upset or do "teenage" things like rolling your eyes or swearing at her or whatever. Be like one of those infuriating automated phone messages you get when you're trying to buy something over the phone ;)
Ooh and I do hope it all works out well in the end.. Some families can fall apart, but if you stay away from her maybe she'll start missing you and realise what a mistake she made? (JUST A HOPE.)
Edit: you said you have an older sibling. Could you possibly talk to them about it? Or are they unbearable too?
I don't have many friends who'd have me to stay really, and mum's said if i stay at someone else's i won't be able to live here as 'it's not a hotel' . I know what you mean about the automated message type thing though!! I don't swear irl, rarely online too so that's not a problem, and I only roled my eyes cos i was so far away from her, I'd dread to think what she'd do if she saw!!
When I'm away at uni, we get on really well and she says she misses me, but as soon as I get home she's immediately like 'oh go back noone wants you here'.
I'm the oldest one, mum was talking about me when I was right there... :S My younger sister is just about as unbearable as my mum though....
27-06-2012, 02:51 PM
Empired
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
I don't have many friends who'd have me to stay really, and mum's said if i stay at someone else's i won't be able to live here as 'it's not a hotel' . I know what you mean about the automated message type thing though!! I don't swear irl, rarely online too so that's not a problem, and I only roled my eyes cos i was so far away from her, I'd dread to think what she'd do if she saw!!
When I'm away at uni, we get on really well and she says she misses me, but as soon as I get home she's immediately like 'oh go back noone wants you here'.
I'm the oldest one, mum was talking about me when I was right there... :S My younger sister is just about as unbearable as my mum though....
Ohhh I get it now ;) and UGH she sounds impossible! Maybe you could just talk to your friends? And even if they don't have a solution, talking to a close friend is always comforting.
27-06-2012, 02:53 PM
buttons
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
I'm getting SO fed up of my parents atm. Well, my dad's ok on his own, but my mum is just getting ridiculous. She threatens to cut me off and disown me monthly (at least) and totally favours my sister in every respect, althought she'll never admit to it. I'm nearly 19 fgs and they ***** about me going out (refuse to take me anywhere but don't like me being alone in the dark, buses don't run and I can't walk THAT far), whereas they run around after my sister and her friends AND boyfriend all the time. It's just stupid, I want to knock some common sense into her head. She told me off yesterday for buying myself a bottle of Southern Comfort and a bottle of lemonade because I "shouldn't be drinking every night". I just got fed up of my wine I had, which I only have 1 or 2 glasses on friday, saturday and sunday, whereas she has a gin an tonic EVERY NIGHT. She's banned me from storing my rum in the alcohol cupboard too, she's told me to put it on the side with my wine/vodka where my nan'll see it and moan when she comes round.
Just to give you an example of how ridiculous it's getting, she's not talking to me at the moment (and told me not to look at her today) Basically because I'm wearing shorts and a short sleeved top.
Here's the conversation:
Mum (just got home): You finally up yet?
Me: I was up before you went out... you SAW me...
Mum: DON'T BE SUCH A RUDE COW
Me: What?
Mum: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
Me: Ok... *walks off*
Mum: What do you think you're wearing? It's boiling today! You're wearing a JUMPER
Me: *looks outside, it's windy and grey, might rain soon* It's a top, it's thin and I was cold in a tank top.. I've got shorts on...
Mum: Well you just know EVERYTHING don't you?
Me: What?! You always moan at me for my clothes, I buy them, it's my decision
Mum: WELL YOU WON'T BE BUYING THEM IF WE CUT YOU OFF (her favourite threat)
Me: *rolls eyes*
Mum: Well, do you want lunch?
Me: Dunno, what do we have? (she just went shopping so idk what she got)
Mum: I DON'T KNOW COME AND MAKE IT YOURSELF THEN YOU UNGRATEFUL CHILD
Me: *walks off*
Mum: mumble mumble I DONT EVEN WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW, YEAH YOU GO AND HIDE IN YOUR ROOM ALL DAY
Me: Will do!
So yeah I'm fed up of her threats to cut me off, I wish I could just go out but I can't due to my recent operation, not allowed to wear shoes much atm, and it hurts. She knows that but keeps telling me I put it on and that I can walk everywhere (buses are expensive man), whereas my sister gets a life 5 minutes down the road as soon as she asks. I don't really know how I can cope with her for much longer, and I've got 3 months before I can go to uni, and a 3 week holiday where I CAN'T get away from them.
What can I do!? When I've talked to my parents in the past they say "act like an adult and we'll treat you like one" but they don't, they treat me like a 10 year old. I can cope while I'm 300 miles away from them but I just feel like I'm living in a prison.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
@Logandyer45; LOL i will be moving out as soon as physically possible
@Shar; the sad thing is i'm so used to it i don't get emotional about it any more. I try ignoring her, that's why I just walk off in the middle of it usually, but she always screams 'get back here' and i dont want to disobey her, not worth the risk lol!!!
Update: just went down to get lunch, she told me it's too late to eat, despite telling me not to come down earlier... does she want me to starve or something? She was also on the phone to her friend and she said 'yeah the oldest is at uni, well she's home for the summer, wish she hadnt have come home *laughs*... i was standing right next to her
it's like hit after hit... no wonder my psychiatrist wants to hit her, really!!
i can sorta relate like my mum goes on about how ungrateful i am but gives me no freedom whatsoever to do what i want. say i wanna make my own dinner or offer to make for all of us she'll be like "no it's fine i'll just do it like always." if i offer to do anything she complains and if i don't offer, she'll complain anyway. same if she says something degrading to me (quite often about my interests, personality, beliefs etc), if i keep my mouth shut and try not to roll my eyes or anything i have an attitude problem but if i stick up for myself, i also have an attitude problem.. it's better for me to keep quiet though because she's impulsive and will do anything on a whim & like you she sees me as the problem child even though my brother is a bum that's been in and out of court since august 2010.
um last year i decided to take action against my brother and she was really mad i'd done something behind her back (even though she wouldn't take me seriously when i spoke to her one and on) and so she told me to get out the house which i did and she turned the whole family on me too. i stayed with a friend and she didn't ring me for a WEEK. & was like "i didn't think you'd actually go" i was ready to just leave for good finally get away from her but she begged me to come back, said it'd all be different. my mum threatens to cut me off too, nags at me to find a job or something. i do actually try to but i also have uni in september and there is only full-time stuff going atm. it has changed a little bit since then as in she tries to be nice to me, do stuff for me (cause after that we had a heart to heart bout how i feel bout living here with my brother) but the relationship is a little sour and i find it hard to forgive her so dunno how it'll be for you. like you say, she misses you when you're at uni it's like can't live with you but not without you and me and my mum are the same. i go out for a walk like an hour a day and try to stay out of her way as much as possible and stay in my room (she doesn't care about that until i actually come out to do something then it's like "oh you're not in your room ignoring me as usual). it's like we can't win against our parents and it's not really a healthy relationship. :/
tbh if she threatens to cut you off again i would just instead of like complaining you can't do this or that i would be like "yeah go for it, do it" and see what she does. she might be like mine where she only threatens, something to do with being in control i guess but if she does actually cut you off then she'll either let you go and you'll have to do your own thing or she might beg for you to come back or whatever. otherwise you'll probably just have to obey by her rules and ways to keep her good until you back to Uni i suppose. it's her house and you won't be there forever.
27-06-2012, 03:05 PM
lawrawrrr
Quote:
Originally Posted by buttons
i can sorta relate like my mum goes on about how ungrateful i am but gives me no freedom whatsoever to do what i want. say i wanna make my own dinner or offer to make for all of us she'll be like "no it's fine i'll just do it like always." if i offer to do anything she complains and if i don't offer, she'll complain anyway. same if she says something degrading to me (quite often about my interests, personality, beliefs etc), if i keep my mouth shut and try not to roll my eyes or anything i have an attitude problem but if i stick up for myself, i also have an attitude problem.. it's better for me to keep quiet though because she's impulsive and will do anything on a whim & like you she sees me as the problem child even though my brother is a bum that's been in and out of court since august 2010.
um last year i decided to take action against my brother and she was really mad i'd done something behind her back (even though she wouldn't take me seriously when i spoke to her one and on) and so she told me to get out the house which i did and she turned the whole family on me too. i stayed with a friend and she didn't ring me for a WEEK. & was like "i didn't think you'd actually go" i was ready to just leave for good finally get away from her but she begged me to come back, said it'd all be different. my mum threatens to cut me off too, nags at me to find a job or something. i do actually try to but i also have uni in september and there is only full-time stuff going atm. it has changed a little bit since then as in she tries to be nice to me, do stuff for me (cause after that we had a heart to heart bout how i feel bout living here with my brother) but the relationship is a little sour and i find it hard to forgive her so dunno how it'll be for you. like you say, she misses you when you're at uni it's like can't live with you but not without you and me and my mum are the same. i go out for a walk like an hour a day and try to stay out of her way as much as possible and stay in my room (she doesn't care about that until i actually come out to do something then it's like "oh you're not in your room ignoring me as usual). it's like we can't win against our parents and it's not really a healthy relationship. :/
tbh if she threatens to cut you off again i would just instead of like complaining you can't do this or that i would be like "yeah go for it, do it" and see what she does. she might be like mine where she only threatens, something to do with being in control i guess but if she does actually cut you off then she'll either let you go and you'll have to do your own thing or she might beg for you to come back or whatever. otherwise you'll probably just have to obey by her rules and ways to keep her good until you back to Uni i suppose. it's her house and you won't be there forever.
oh god the job/chores thing i'm the exact same!! i went out giving 30 cvs around the time i did all the housework for 3 days and i got told i was lazy... errrrr what? It is totally threats, at christmas she actually did it (she couldn't persuade my dad to stop my living allowance though).
It's like a mantra atm, 2 more years then I can get a proper job and live for myself!!
27-06-2012, 03:26 PM
FlyingJesus
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
I'm nearly 19 fgs
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
So yeah I'm fed up of her threats to cut me off
So basically you want to have free reign and be independent but still get everything paid for/given to you and it's somehow unfair on you that your parents don't agree with the way you're spending their money. If you want the freedom, get your own money, otherwise you have to compromise because that's just how these things work. You bring up the whole "act like an adult" thing but you're not acting like one as you say you are, you're just attempting to live an adult social life with someone else's finance. It's frustrating, sure, but you can't just expect to have everything on a plate forever.
27-06-2012, 03:37 PM
lawrawrrr
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyingJesus
So basically you want to have free reign and be independent but still get everything paid for/given to you and it's somehow unfair on you that your parents don't agree with the way you're spending their money. If you want the freedom, get your own money, otherwise you have to compromise because that's just how these things work. You bring up the whole "act like an adult" thing but you're not acting like one as you say you are, you're just attempting to live an adult social life with someone else's finance. It's frustrating, sure, but you can't just expect to have everything on a plate forever.
That's a ridiculous thing to say really. I don't want everything paid for, I have student loans which I live off but I am given an extra allowance, which I am extremely grateful for. It's not that they don't agree with the way I spend it, they say once it's mine, it's mine and I can spend it how I wish, I was just making the point that my mum doesn't dress me any more.
I have my own finances, however I am still a student who's struggling to find work in the current economy, and it was only JUST enough to live off last year, next year I have a much bigger rent and will need extra help. All of my friends are eligible for government GRANTS, which they don't have to pay back. As I'm not entitled to this, how am I supposed to find extra money to live off without looking to my family?
Anyway, if you read the whole thread before jumping into the patronising deep end, you'd realise my main problem is not the money, it's that I have zero freedom, and everything I do is wrong. I was looking for advice talking to my parents, not a lecture on 'how childish my view of money is', because it's actually really not.
27-06-2012, 03:47 PM
FlyingJesus
If you need the money you have to accept the terms under which it's given to you, it's really that simple
27-06-2012, 03:51 PM
lawrawrrr
They don't give it to me with terms, it's used as blackmail afterwards. I don't really get what you mean by terms either. Once again, if you read the thread, you'd realise I've been looking for jobs and do more housework than my mum does, but still get accused of doing nothing. She's being a hypocrite, and if you're saying I need to pussyfoot around her and be at her beck and call 24/7, then that's not going to happen, I'm not a slave and I have my own life.
27-06-2012, 04:15 PM
beth
i live with my dad off my own finance and income and i find it works much better because i'm not dependent on him. i'm very very unforgiving in situations like these simply because whilst you complain of their rules whatever you are living rent-free, spending their money AND they're taking you on holiday.
if you really hate it that much, look for volunteering next summer and just bear it for now. sure it's not nice, but it's a temporary thing.
and i don't mean to be really picky but you say it's not fair some of yr friends are eligible for extra government grants? that's because their parents are obviously much less well off than yrself. that's not their fault, and they'll probably be living off that money over the summer.
when i was at uni my parents gave me nothing. those extra grants were a lifeline. i'm sorry but you don't really know how hard it CAN be.
27-06-2012, 04:21 PM
lawrawrrr
I volunteer now, but had to take a month off due to the op, as I can't walk. I'm not criticising the people who get extra grants at all, I'm just saying how unfair it is that Tom is saying 'oh you're such a spoilt brat' effectively because my parents give me money to live off, whereas it's less that a government grant is?
EDIT: this thread isn't even about money. That's not a problem.
EDIT2: oh and i'm paying for my own flights and don't get any spending money while my sister gets 100 quid (200 dollars)
27-06-2012, 04:32 PM
dbgtz
I can relate to the massive inequality. Me and my two brothers have to do housework, which is fair enough except one never does anything because his days off do not align with everyone elses. He leaves his crap everywhere which I am then moaned at for and I am told to clear up. I refuse to now, I got sick of the lack of housework he does so I don't see why I should clear up after him directly.
Also with ridiculous parents, my dad moans at me because I said I do not want to buy a car as I would not take it to university. He literally shouts at me because I do not want to buy it. I ignore it and will put up with it for another year or so (assuming I get a university place), doing that for X months is your only option.
27-06-2012, 04:36 PM
beth
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
I volunteer now, but had to take a month off due to the op, as I can't walk. I'm not criticising the people who get extra grants at all, I'm just saying how unfair it is that Tom is saying 'oh you're such a spoilt brat' effectively because my parents give me money to live off, whereas it's less that a government grant is?
EDIT: this thread isn't even about money. That's not a problem.
EDIT2: oh and i'm paying for my own flights and don't get any spending money while my sister gets 100 quid (200 dollars)
i think when you come down to it money can be a massive strain on relationships, which is the point i'm making. myself and my sister (who get no money off either of our parents now we're over 18) have much much better relationships with my mom and dad. and i definitely think that is because we are not dependent on them and see them as equals rather than sources of funding.
and the holiday thing, yr still getting to go away ha :) i haven't had a holiday in 11 years. and there's no way in this current economic climate my family would ever be able to afford a holiday, and both my parents work fulltime.
just sayin', good to count yr blessings and get on with it.
27-06-2012, 04:39 PM
lawrawrrr
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbgtz
I can relate to the massive inequality. Me and my two brothers have to do housework, which is fair enough except one never does anything because his days off do not align with everyone elses. He leaves his crap everywhere which I am then moaned at for and I am told to clear up. I refuse to now, I got sick of the lack of housework he does so I don't see why I should clear up after him directly.
Also with ridiculous parents, my dad moans at me because I said I do not want to buy a car as I would not take it to university. He literally shouts at me because I do not want to buy it. I ignore it and will put up with it for another year or so (assuming I get a university place), doing that for X months is your only option.
It's like an unwritten rule in my house that I'm responsible for clearing up anything left by me and my sister, unless it's in her room. Thankfully mum usually reminds her to take stuff upstairs so it's only her room that's a complete tip! I'm in the same boat as you, car-wise, what's the point wasting money when it's better to save it for uni? That's exactly what I've done, it just makes more sense!!!
---------- Post added 27-06-2012 at 05:45 PM ----------
Quote:
Originally Posted by bethany
i think when you come down to it money can be a massive strain on relationships, which is the point i'm making. myself and my sister (who get no money off either of our parents now we're over 18) have much much better relationships with my mom and dad. and i definitely think that is because we are not dependent on them and see them as equals rather than sources of funding.
and the holiday thing, yr still getting to go away ha :) i haven't had a holiday in 11 years. and there's no way in this current economic climate my family would ever be able to afford a holiday, and both my parents work fulltime.
just sayin', good to count yr blessings and get on with it.
It's not my fault that my parents are wealthy really. I know I'm very fortunate to come from this background, but it doesn't make the fact they're unbearable to live with any different.
I realise people have it much worse than me, I never claimed I had a terrible life, I just said she's hypocritical and overbearing on me. Once again... I DONT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY ASPECT SHE'S ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD WHO CAN'T GO OUT. I'm looking for advice on how to approach her about treating me like the almost-19-year-old like I am.
27-06-2012, 05:05 PM
FlyingJesus
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
They don't give it to me with terms, it's used as blackmail afterwards. I don't really get what you mean by terms either.
You know that this is how it is, so yes these are the terms you've accepted by not refusing their money/food/housing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
Once again, if you read the thread, you'd realise I've been looking for jobs and do more housework than my mum does, but still get accused of doing nothing. She's being a hypocrite, and if you're saying I need to pussyfoot around her and be at her beck and call 24/7, then that's not going to happen, I'm not a slave and I have my own life.
It's good that you're looking for work but that doesn't mean that you currently have your own money and whatnot. I don't have a job at the moment but I don't go to shops and say that I'll pay them for stuff if I ever do get one, that's not how the world works. The housework that you do is the offset for all the money being spent on you, so no you're not a slave - slaves don't get paid, have no choices whatsoever, and cannot possibly leave their situation without the consent of those holding them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
I volunteer now, but had to take a month off due to the op, as I can't walk. I'm not criticising the people who get extra grants at all, I'm just saying how unfair it is that Tom is saying 'oh you're such a spoilt brat' effectively because my parents give me money to live off, whereas it's less that a government grant is?
I wasn't saying that at all, but due to the nature of your replies I will say it now: you're acting like a spoilt brat. Not being out all the time (which you shouldn't be doing anyway if you're that injured from an operation) and doing housework is what you're doing as an alternative to paying rent and buying your own food and luxuries - with the added bonus of actually getting given money along with it. I've never heard of anyone over the age of like 14 getting paid to do housework in their own home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
EDIT: this thread isn't even about money. That's not a problem.
It's quite clearly about money since you're not refusing to take it. If it's truly a "need" rather than "want" situation then it's even more about the money, since what you're effectively doing is working off your living expenses by living to the rules of the house. Just because you don't understand the value/cost of your lifestyle doesn't mean it's not the issue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
I'm looking for advice on how to approach her about treating me like the almost-19-year-old like I am.
Simple - stop refusing to accept that your dependency has to come with consequences.
27-06-2012, 05:30 PM
lawrawrrr
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyingJesus
You know that this is how it is, so yes these are the terms you've accepted by not refusing their money/food/housing.
ok that makes no sense... accepted what exactly?
Quote:
It's good that you're looking for work but that doesn't mean that you currently have your own money and whatnot. I don't have a job at the moment but I don't go to shops and say that I'll pay them for stuff if I ever do get one, that's not how the world works. The housework that you do is the offset for all the money being spent on you, so no you're not a slave - slaves don't get paid, have no choices whatsoever, and cannot possibly leave their situation without the consent of those holding them.
Once again, you're making zero sense. I don't go buying many things, only essentials really as I don't like wasting money. I realise that I'm expected to do some things, which is what I do, but sometimes it seems like I'm expected to do everything when my younger sister and live-at-home-mum don't do anything, which isn't fair. You don't need to get so technically pedantic, as you're so used to.
Quote:
I wasn't saying that at all, but due to the nature of your replies I will say it now: you're acting like a spoilt brat. Not being out all the time (which you shouldn't be doing anyway if you're that injured from an operation) and doing housework is what you're doing as an alternative to paying rent and buying your own food and luxuries - with the added bonus of actually getting given money along with it. I've never heard of anyone over the age of like 14 getting paid to do housework in their own home.
You were thinking it. I'm not out all the time, I never said that. I said I usually am but haven't been able to for a month now. I actually do pay my own rent and buy food for the majority of the year, and for all the time I'm living at home (3 months in the summer, 6 weeks the rest of the year) I don't get paid anything, so your argument is completely flawed there. I'm not asking to be paid for housework, I'm saying I accept it as a replacement for rent - doing my share is only fair, I'm just saying it's not fair for my mum to agree to this, then go on to say I contribute nothing. If I had a job, I'd be expected to pay rent, as I wouldn't be helping round the house.
Quote:
It's quite clearly about money since you're not refusing to take it. If it's truly a "need" rather than "want" situation then it's even more about the money, since what you're effectively doing is working off your living expenses by living to the rules of the house. Just because you don't understand the value/cost of your lifestyle doesn't mean it's not the issue.
It's not about money, you're making it about money. What I'm saying is there is one set of rules for my sister and parents to live off, and a completely separate set for me - I'm not given lifts anywhere despite being barred from going out in the night if I wanted to - whereas my sister goes out AT LEAST once a month and is picked up at 2 or 3 in the morning. If I got home at 2, I'd find the door locked from the inside (meaning I can't open it) and I'd have to go elsewhere. Not easy when all my friends live about 10 miles from me. My 'lifestyle' actually costs very little, and especially since being at University I know exactly what quality of life I need and what it'll cost me. The job I want is never going to be lucrative so I know I need to be sensible. But the issue is actually my sister has more freedom than me and i'm treated like a child when i'm actually nearly 19 and shouted at for everything I do.
Quote:
Simple - stop refusing to accept that your dependency has to come with consequences.
Right, so you're saying that my parents give me a bit of money when I'm not living at home and that means when I am at home I have to be completely at their beck and call, and gives them the right to treat me the way they do when my sister is treated like the angel child?
27-06-2012, 05:36 PM
buttons
i like how some you are making it out to be all about money when she didn't even mention money until one of you guys did. just cause her mum lets her have a roof over her head doesn't mean she has to be singled out and treated worse than another person who also lives under the same roof :S could actually give her advice on the way she's treated other than "they pay for you so deal with it".
i dont really advice cause i'm in the same situaton but it's not as simple as go pay for your own stuff then she'll treat you better...
27-06-2012, 05:40 PM
Shar
I don't know how money suddenly became the main focus here but as Jen is saying, and from my own personal experience, even if Laura paid for her own stuff etc it wouldn't miraculously make her problems with her family go away :S
27-06-2012, 06:48 PM
Fifty-Six
I think we need to set the financial situation aside and look at it from an objective perspective.
The best think, I think, would be to (attempt) a 1-on-1 conversation with your mother. Sit down at the kitchen table, just the two of you, and let her know how you actually feel. Try hard not to be accusatory, otherwise your mother will just go on the offensive and not pay much attention to anything else they say. It's just imperative that you can communicate calmly and seriously with her, so that she can understand what's going through your head.
What have you done so far to "confront" your parents on this?
27-06-2012, 07:18 PM
lawrawrrr
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fifty-Six
I think we need to set the financial situation aside and look at it from an objective perspective.
The best think, I think, would be to (attempt) a 1-on-1 conversation with your mother. Sit down at the kitchen table, just the two of you, and let her know how you actually feel. Try hard not to be accusatory, otherwise your mother will just go on the offensive and not pay much attention to anything else they say. It's just imperative that you can communicate calmly and seriously with her, so that she can understand what's going through your head.
What have you done so far to "confront" your parents on this?
I got really upset and spoke to my (more reasonable) dad who sat us BOTH down and we calmly talked about everything. I told them how they made me feel and they seemed to realise what they do. They said I'm unbearable to live with (cos of my mood swings) and I sorta hinted towards my bipolar, which they seemed to understand. The whole treating-my-sister differently they both deny vehemently, I don't know whether it's because they don't see it or are denying it. My nan (mums mum) has even commented on the way they treat us. The freedom part they've said they'll give me, but it's very limited - I have to be home at exact times, have to wear something they pre-approve and tell them exactly where I am and what I drink. Not that I always do that...
As for the housework thing, it's not a problem until we argue about something else (even something ridiculously small) and she just shouts that I do nothing.
27-06-2012, 09:35 PM
Glen Coco
wow, that money argument was absolutely ridiculous and was clearly brought up to start an argument!
my dad often says i don't do anything around the house when i try to do what i can, so i know where you're coming from with that.
has your mum always been like that?
27-06-2012, 09:43 PM
lawrawrrr
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glen Coco
wow, that money argument was absolutely ridiculous and was clearly brought up to start an argument!
my dad often says i don't do anything around the house when i try to do what i can, so i know where you're coming from with that.
has your mum always been like that?
Unfortunately, yes. She's got worse ever since I finished exams (like after GCSEs and A2s she moaned I wasn't doing anything), but it's got even worse now I'm an adult.
--
I just tried approaching them again tonight after the things you guys have said, it's ridiculous how much they think they know me. My dad said he'd treat me differently if I proved I'd been medically diagnosed with something - I couldn't own up to it, they'd just judge me too much. They ended up making me feel completely worthless and I sort of just sat on my bed not being able to move for like 2 hours. I swear my reactions are getting worse and I don't know if I can deal with them...
27-06-2012, 09:43 PM
Munex
@lawrawrrr; at least you don't have overbaring parents - that would be quite embarassing.
p.s. barely bare bears are bearly bears xxx
28-06-2012, 10:30 AM
Inseriousity.
Firstly, you're the eldest and the youngest is always seen as the "baby"/"little angel who can do no wrong" even if they're the devil's child so I think you're just going to have to accept that no matter what she'll always be treated better.
I'm not really sure there's anything you can do tbh but grin and bear it as much as you can. They are obviously not listening and probably never will. The only thing you can look forward to is getting out of there as quick as possible!
28-06-2012, 10:50 AM
Recursion
Grin and bear it, then go talk to the counselling service when you get back to University about being worried to go back home etc. You might be able to scrape some money together to live in a house during Uni, in which case most of them are rented during the summer too anyway.
28-06-2012, 11:27 AM
Firehorse
The only way I can think of that would change the way your mother sees things is if she read this thread, or when you move out for good just turn your back and don't answer their pleas. If you're ever in the position where you're more wealthy than they are or they're asking you for help in many scenarios (loaning money, items etc) you can turn around and say that they treated you horribly and therefore you do not wish to help them. Unless the karma comes from you directly then they won't see what effect they're having on you.
Also by acting nicely to them while you're at uni isn't going to do you any favours, because they'll think that you're totally fine with them.
If I was in your situation I'd also refuse to go on holiday with them, and instead go on a holiday with some friends.
My father is also being a total git recently.
I literally just finished my A Levels last week and he is constantly on my back, waking me up earlier than I need to be, even though I've already spent a lot of time as soon as my exams were done re-writing my CV, walking around town all day handing my CV into places and attended a job interview, as well as attending a job interview almost a month before my exams had even finished, he calls me lazy when he himself is unemployed and isn't even looking for a job, he spends his day reading and visiting art galleries, and just laughs it off whenever the subject is mentioned.
It's this mentality that a lot of parents have where they think that because their child is legally an adult that suddenly they should be the ones being looked after. I'd never let this be the case and I want to move out when I can. I'll give back by raising my own kids and looking after my parents when they're elderly and unable to look after themselves, not when I've just left school.
Yes it's time to move on, but they still have the responsibility of helping you get on your feet.
28-06-2012, 12:38 PM
Empired
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hashterix
The only way I can think of that would change the way your mother sees things is if she read this thread.
This is a good idea! I hadn't thought of this before. I guess it could possibly turn round and she could start yelling at you about how you embarrassed her in front of a load of other people, but at the same time, she is still your mother and under there she does still love you. If you can get her to see the truth (either through this thread or otherwise), maybe she'll understand?
28-06-2012, 01:31 PM
MissAlice
You yourself admit to being moody and it seems your mother is too. This is the area you need to work on.
You have two parents who do provide for you, who also give you a roof over your head as well as supporting you through University. So as much as it’s difficult at home right now, you need to accept their rules, it’s their home and not a hotel. You are very fortunate :)
To be treated like an adult you need to behave like one, and please don’t take this the wrong way, as I’m not attacking you, but you need to step up and show your parents that you are a responsible adult. You are capable of making your own lunch, and pitching in with things around the house without having to be asked to do so. You manage when you are away from home right?
I don’t know if it’s possible, or what your mothers’ interests are, but it might be good for you to have an outing out, just the two of you. Not clothes shopping, or food. Does she like plants? An outing to a garden centre or something similar. This could be the first of many opportunities to become friends and not just mother and daughter.
28-06-2012, 03:03 PM
Rozi
It sounds like you're stuck in a very tough situation and it might just be a case of waiting it out. Very importantly you've had proper conversations about it and expressed your feelings. That's a very hard step to get over, but unfortunately it sounds as if your parents just wont accept your point of view. Maybe it's time to do a re-evaluation of the inequalities between you and your sister, and what it actually comes down to. Does your sister behave differently around the house to you? You say she has a much better relationship with your mum than you do, so maybe you should suggest to your mum that you and her have a one-on-one day to build your relationship? Maybe offer to take her for dinner or something, to show you are capable of being responsible and caring for her too.
Also maybe it's worth having a chat with your sister, seeing what she thinks as in the end of the day she knows the situation far better than any of us.
28-06-2012, 03:35 PM
Neversoft
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inseriousity.
Firstly, you're the eldest and the youngest is always seen as the "baby"/"little angel who can do no wrong" even if they're the devil's child so I think you're just going to have to accept that no matter what she'll always be treated better.
That isn't true. I'm the eldest and get treated as the most responsible and innocent by my mum, and although my younger brother has a job and I don't, while my dad will occasionally tell me to pull my finger out, he doesn't treat us differently even though he quite blatantly gets on a lot a lot better with my brother. It's all subjective, it's just a myth that the youngest is always treated as a 'little angel'.
As for the thread, it seems to me the only way to gain the independence you want from your parents is just to leave. But seeing as that isn't an option, I'm afraid you'll have to put up with it for that little while longer. Teenagers are the most misunderstood people in the world; expected to act like adults, but treated like children.
28-06-2012, 03:49 PM
Inseriousity.
I wouldn't say that it's a myth just because you had a different experience. Perhaps you're just the exception to the general rule. In my own family my sister is the youngest and gets away with murder sometimes! It seems to be a similar case here so that's why I said that.
28-06-2012, 03:54 PM
lawrawrrr
Thanks to everyone who's replied recently. I'm going to have to just deal with it for a bit tbh. Trying to do everything she asks me to (and more) so she has no accusations. I'm trying to keep my business to myself now, not telling them things that's going on (after last night where they told me I was obsessed with other people's lives and basically a useless nobody) and staying out of their way, thank god.
Going to try and get a job next year so I don't have to spend as much time at home. The charity shop I work on and off in now only gives me 1 shift a week and they're not very nice to me there either, I have the worst luck :(
28-06-2012, 04:38 PM
Empired
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
Thanks to everyone who's replied recently. I'm going to have to just deal with it for a bit tbh. Trying to do everything she asks me to (and more) so she has no accusations. I'm trying to keep my business to myself now, not telling them things that's going on (after last night where they told me I was obsessed with other people's lives and basically a useless nobody) and staying out of their way, thank god.
Going to try and get a job next year so I don't have to spend as much time at home. The charity shop I work on and off in now only gives me 1 shift a week and they're not very nice to me there either, I have the worst luck :(
Listen to music that you like when you're doing jobs around the house. Whenever I have to do chores it puts me in a really bad mood but listening to music always helps me to forget. Actually you should probably listen with headphones, or you mother could go mad at you even if you have it at 1% or whatever.
And yes, I totally agree with you. You're just going to have to be the adult in this situation for a bit :)
28-06-2012, 04:44 PM
lawrawrrr
Quote:
Originally Posted by BamitsElfie!
Listen to music that you like when you're doing jobs around the house. Whenever I have to do chores it puts me in a really bad mood but listening to music always helps me to forget. Actually you should probably listen with headphones, or you mother could go mad at you even if you have it at 1% or whatever.
And yes, I totally agree with you. You're just going to have to be the adult in this situation for a bit :)
Usually have habbox live on cos i'm so cool ;) Always have earphones in as I get shouted at if I play music (or even talk on skype tbh) for making too much noise (while my sister plays really loud music 24/7). Doesn't really bother me as I prefer blocking the world out with earphones anyway ahahah
28-06-2012, 05:38 PM
BOOMitsGINA
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawrawrrr
Usually have habbox live on cos i'm so cool ;) Always have earphones in as I get shouted at if I play music (or even talk on skype tbh) for making too much noise (while my sister plays really loud music 24/7). Doesn't really bother me as I prefer blocking the world out with earphones anyway ahahah
Habbox is the bomb. Js.
I know a few of my friends are in this situation. I've never personally been in a situation like this but must be hard. I've read this whole thread (was actually really interesting haha) best thing to do is just get on with your life. Besides it's only for 3 weeks which isn't that long come to think of it. So jsut enjoy getting to see your family. In a way I would just do everything your parents say because if you do that they will msot likely be like 'O.o what?' It might be a trust issue, due to you being older they think you might turn into that 'typical young adult' so just make sure you do everything your parents say and they might change their minds. I know must be hard with your sister and everything getting everything but she could egt into the same situation like you when she gets to your age. Think of it that way :) Not saying anything against you or anything :P
Never been in this situation like I said so I dont know if this will be much help or anything x
28-06-2012, 06:05 PM
Mikey
I don't live with the situation your in at the moment but I do know some people that have parents like that. Also you say your sister is the angel child, how old is your sister? If she's a 'child' then she won't be as hard on her, your the adult and you need to be independent and do things for yourself. When I start college after summer I will have to pay for everything with the money I get from my student loan and if I get a job by then, I'll use that. This includes bus fares, contact lenses, mobile phone contract, lunch for college, books, stationery, clothes and socialising with friends. I will also give my mum £50 a month to help her out and she will provide me with meals and stuff. This is the exact same with my brother aswell. :)
